100. Masters of the Universe

Gary Goddard, 1987

I am forced to admit that this is a pretty stupid movie and, to a degree, I’m reluctant to start of this list with it. Still, I’ve decided that the last thing I want to do is apologize for the entries on this list. It is after all my list, my favorite movies. I make no claims that these are the greatest movies of all time. That said, Masters of the Universe is a terrible movie. The plot, such as it is, revolves around He-Man traveling to a 1980s Earth suburb via the cosmic key, a goofy hi-tech synthesizer. Once there, he screws around for a while, while Skeletor tries to conquer his home world of Eternia. Now, the He-Man of my youth was a Conan the Barbarian type of character, running around in furry little short pants, whacking the stuffing out of guys with a broadsword. Here, he’s a soldier for a futuristic dystopia type of planet, who still slaps guys around with a broadsword. I don’t really have much of a point about that, I just found it weird that the filmmakers would change the whole backdrop of the property in a movie who’s entire chance of survival seems to rest with bringing kids into the theater who liked the cartoons and toys. As for the effects, they’re mostly passable, but still not very good and there’s something underwhelming about Skeletor’s futuristic attack fleet arriving on a suburban midwestern street, as opposed to the middle of New York or something. This is a big scene, when a whole mess of bad guys pour out of a rip in space to beat up He-Man, but it really just feels like The Last Starfighter warmed over. Then there’s the acting from the likes of professional slab of meat and Rocky IV antagonist Dolph Lundgren (as He-Man) and future Friends star Courtney Cox (as some Earth chick). Needless to say, the performances are almost universally awful, tired, stilted, and with no conviction whatsoever.

So, if I’m ripping on this movie, why is it on the list? Well, I do like it. As dopy as most of it is, it can be a lot of fun. Part of that is its very stupidity. This movie is as big a hunk of ‘80s cheese as you’ll ever see and it doesn’t just have the goofiness of a Commando-style action movie, it adds goofy sci-fi/fantasy effects and plots and, yes, that shot of all the soldiers on a suburban street is pretty funny. Further, there are two performances in this one that I really like. The first is the always eerily beautiful Meg Foster, terrifically vamping it up as the subtly named Evil-Lyn. The second is a delightful, scenery chewing performance from Frank Langella, as He-Man’s arch nemesis, Skeletor. Both actors know how goofy, cheesy, and even campy the movie is and they revel in it. They tailor their performances, and I say this because I’ve seen each act with restraint in other films - Langella most recently in Goodnight and Good Luck, to fit the tennor of the film and, so, really sell their characters. They camp it up for the sake of the movie and the sake of the audience, and, by God, it works. Finally, the real reason this movie makes the list, is a certain undefinable quality the movie has for me. If I’m watching TV on a Saturday afternoon, or any time really, and I come across Masters of the Universe, usually on WGN, I simply cannot turn it off. Whatever point the movie is at, I have to sit there and watch it through to the end. I don’t really know why, but it is a compulsion of mine and I do love it.