?? Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

Nicholas Webster, 1964

Well, it's Christmas and I am not about to post to this thing until after New Year's. What's that? You won't have it?! Well, shut your pie hole, buster! You're lucky I've posted this long! Anyway, I'll be back around the 5th with #73 on. Still, as it is Christmas and I may as well post something as long as I'm making an excuse for being away. So, I'm using this space to start my What the Hell Is That? series. Occasionally, I'll be posting these things in lieu of an entry in the my favorite films list.

Anywho, as it is nearing the middle of Septober, I find I must recognize Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Not only does this film feature the screen debut of Pia Zadora, you may remember her daddy buying her a Golden Globe, possibly for Fake-Out (IMDB is a bit sketchy on this detail and I'm simply not going to research any further), but also for. . . well. . . this is a stupid movie. You see Mars has no Santa Claus, which only makes sense. So, Kimar, Voldar, Dropo, Hardrock, Cocoa, and Joe set out from Mars to kidnap the jolly old elf. They take him and two of the most annoying children ever spanwned from Lilith's womb to Mars, to fill the Santa gap. Once there, Santa stops giving a shit about the Earth, thanks Santa, and starts manufacturing toys for the Martians. As elf slave labor was abolished by Martian Abraham Lincoln, Santa and the kids, which now includes two Martian whelps whose mother has wisely stopped nursing, use a machine to make all the toys. They are occasionally hindered by Dropo, the laziest man on Mars. Think Beetle Bailey of space. Anyway, Voldar, played by the great Vincent Beck, who you'll remember from his ground breaking performance as Kassim in The Prisoner of Zalamar Affair episode of The Girl from U.N.C.L.E., hates Santa. Why does Voldar hate Santa? Probably for the same reasons he hates April Dancer: the man can dance. So, Voldar begins a circuitous plan to defeat Santa by rewiring his toy machine and shooting a Whamo air gun at him. Santa then returns to Earth to find that Heat Miser and Cold Miser have ably picked up the slack in his absence. No longer needed, Santa retires to Connecticut, where he's currently catching up on his reading and hunting hobos for sport.

The big upshot of this thing is that it makes great fodder for your hosted bad movie TV shows. The Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode devoted to the film is quite good as is the yearly presentation on Svengoolie. If you now find yourself really wanting to see this thing, you're in luck. Relatively speaking. The movie is in the public domain, so feel free to download a copy here: http://www.archive.org/details.php?identifier=santa_claus_conquers_the_martians