A Man of Steel, a Pirate, and a Crack Whore

Over in the Recently Seen Department

Superman Returns
Bryan Singer, 2006

The title says it all: Superman returns. After an absense of almost twenty years (twenty-six if we only count the good movies), the man of steel has returned to the silver screen and in grand form. Everything works here, from direction to cinematography to acting to plot to dialog to the resurrection of Marlon Brando and of John William’s perfect score. This time out, Brandon Routh takes over as the last son of Krypton from the very dead Christopher Reeve, whom the film is touchingly dedicated to. Routh is exceptional. He perfectly channel’s Reeve’s Superman (after all, this is an “unofficial” sequel to Superman II), while still making the part his own. The perforrmance is at once soulful and powerful and certainly better than any of us expected. Kevin Spacey, meanwhile, takes over for the not quite dead Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. Spacey takes the wonderful haminess of Hackman’s Luthor and ratches it up by adding some real menace for a fantastic villain. The cast is rounded out by Kate Bosworth, capably and much more prettily taking over as Lois Lane from the also not dead Margot Kidder, James “Cyclops” Marsden continuing his strangle hold on wussy boyfriend roles as Richard White, Eve “Incredibly hot in North by Northwest” Marie Saint is Martha Kent, and Frank “Skeletor” Langella as Perry White. I’d also like to give a shout out to Parker Posey as Kitty Kowalski, comic relief sidekick to Lex Luthor and replacement for Miss Tesmacher. Posey is fun, funny, and just cute as a button (call me!) here.

Wonderfully, the whole film just works. I don’t like it quite as much as Superman: The Movie. It’s missing the same epic scope and series of inspiring moments and rescues (although the airplane rescue does kick total ass), but, given the more personal nature of this outing, that’s okay. In any case, it’s better than Superman II, which, while cool (Zod rocks), never quite comes together for me. It’s also lightyears better than Suprman IV: The Quest for Peace or Superman III: The Quest for Richard Pryor.

Rating: Super

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest
Gore Verbinski, 2006

Okay, so the first Pirates comes out and I go, thinking, well, this is gonna suck and then, surprisingly, not so much. In fact, pretty good. So, then, this one comes out and I think, yeah, I liked the first one, but, come on, this looks kind of lame and then, well, it is. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some cool stuff here, including a rightly hyped swordfight in the third act and Johnny Depp continuing to present a kooky, corrupt anti-hero with Captain Jack Sparrow, but the rest of the movie just isn’t there. The plot is strained, especially over two and a half hours (and this is the guy who doesn’t think Lawrence of Arabia is long enough, and what plot is there never quite makes enough sense. Worse are the supporting characters. Orlando Bloom is back as would be swashbuckler Will Turner with Keira Knightly and Ever So Rightly returning as Elizabeth Swan. Neither one of them are characters, but, instead, two dimensional, wide eyed plot devices, complimented by the breeziest of performances. Still, the real stinker is the film’s choice of villian. This time, instead of nutty, undead Geoffery Rush, we get short Monkee Davy Jones. Wait, sorry, different Davy Jones. This one’s a crusty squid-dude. Now, when I saw pictures of this squid dude, what with is one starfish leg and giant crab hand, I said to myself LAME and, guess what, LAME. He and his whole crew are just so LAME. The stuff that centers around Depp is all pretty servicable, but Davy Jones just looks stupid, and so does his equally hodgepodge crew. The simple skeletons worked great last time, but these guys are just over complicated, unconvincing CGI effects. Boo. Still, it’s worth seeing, I suppose, but don’t bust your ass to get over there. Of course, there will be a third installment, as we all probably know by now and, actually, given the way this one ends, I’m much more excited about that movie.

Rating: uh

Strangers with Candy
Paul Dinello, 2005

I featured this one last time in my can’t wait section. Well, at last, after almost two whole weeks of waiting, I saw the movie. It was hilarious. There were several times I was doubled over, thanks the absolute absurdity of the whole affair. The cast is perfect and the jokes spot on. Amy Sedaris plays Jerri Blank, a grotesque 46 year-old ex-crack whore who returns to high school as a freshman. Jerri is unapologetically morally corupt throughout the whole film and is a frequent joy to watch as she bumbles from one social situation to the next. Stephen Colbert, of the Colbert Report, and Paul Dinello co-star as two of her teachers, who have just broken up their gay affair. As Colbert says, “I wasn’t pushing you away from me. I was pulling me closer to myself.” Greg Holliman is also hilarious as the very black Principal Onyx Blackman, who, after being rebuffed in offering a school board member a drink in his office during school hours, asks her if she would like to handle his fire arm. The whole movie is weird and surreal and definitely worth your time.

Rating: Damn funny

Over in the Where Have You Been All My Life Department

Re-Animator
Stuart Gordon, 1985

“Get a job in a side show!”

Well, slap my ass and call me Charly. Where the hell has this thing been all my life. Oh, sure, I’d heard of it. Oh, sure, people would say, hey, man, you see Re-Animator? But nooooo, I had to drag my ass to see it. Well, kids, now I have and I can safely say this movie is awesome. The plot, such as it is, revolves around Herbet West, a med student who has discovered a neon green reagent for reanimating dead tissue, and his med student pal Dan Cain. After re-animating either a cat or a cat puppet, reports and effects vary, Herbert and Dan shlep over to the morgue and re-animate the beefiest corpse they can find. Well, said corpse vomits up some blood, because you always vomit up blood when re-animated and proceeds on a rampage around the room, greco-roman wrestling anyone who gets in his way, including the dean. After biting off a few choice fingers, the beefcake kills the dean and Herbert kills the beefcake with... a surgical drill through the chest! Awesome! Well, these two kooky kids decide to re-animate the dean since, after all, Dan’s boinking his daughter Megan, but that only makes the dean undead and crazy. He gets thrown into a padded cell, conveniently adjacent to his best doctor friend’s (who has a crush on Megan, too) office. Best doctor friend, Dr. Hill, figures out the whole reagent thing (I don’t know how) and tries to blackmail Herbert while Dan consoles Megan. Well, of course, Herbert has to lop Doc Hill’s noodle off with a shovel. Then, of course, he has to re-animate the head and body seperately, leading to the body knocking Herbert out and carrying the head all over town. Eventually Doc Hill’s body kidnaps Megan and brings her to Doc Hill’s head, which watches as the body feels her up. Then, of course, the head wants some action and the decapitated body holds the head up to Megan’s face so the head can lick her and whisper creepy things at her! This movie is awesome! Herbert and Dan eventually show up to save the day (but not before the scene gets even weirder) and end up having to fight a legion of re-animated corpses. Brilliant. I can’t believe I’d never seen this. Now, of course, I’m going to have to go out and get the sequels The Bride of Re-Animator and Beyond Re-Animator. Oh, and for the record, Jeffrey Combs stars as Herbert West. I dig Jeffrey Combs.

Rating: Re-Animated Head! ‘Nuff said!

Next week I’m off to attend a wedding, but I’ll be back the week after with more stuff.