Cars Crashes
From the Automotive Department
Cars
John Lasseter and Joe Ranft, 2006
Cars sucked. It really, really sucked and it became the first film since 2000’s Center Stage that I walked out on. Mind you, Cars isn’t that aggressively bad. I was just bored. Worse, the movie so clearly telegraphs it’s ending, practically from the first moments, that there is no reason for you to stay. You know damn well what will happen and, unfortunately, the characters aren’t interesting enough to make you care how they get there. Worse, the jokes are so tired and cliched that there is nary a laugh in the whole thing.
Of course, this is the movie about the anthropomorphic cars, which, sadly, do not turn into robots, led by Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson), a cocky race car. Normally, I kind of like Owen Wilson (see The Royal Tenenbaums), but, here, his character is just insufferably cocky. The rest of the cast is largely okay, though, featuring luminaries like Paul Newman, Tony Shalhoub, Bonnie Hunt, and George Carlin, alongside the intolerable Larry the Cable Guy. Anyway, McQueen’s cockiness makes him tie with two other cars in the big race and, on the way to the tie breaker, he gets lost in a hole in the wall town, which is apparently the storage garage for tired animation clichés. As you’d expect McQueen gets roped into staying in town until he learns his lesson from the simple townsfolk. Yawn.
Strangely, the best part of the movie was the unexpected cameo by the Car Talk guys. Yes, the jovial NPR hosts and real life brothers costar as McQueen’s sponsors, cracking the same sort of shambling jokes and oversized gafaws they do over the air every weekend and even reminding us, “Don’t drive like my brother!” It’s odd, unexpected, and for an unadvertised cameo, a little underwhelming, but, trust me, this is the best this film’s got, making it Pixar’s first real loser of a movie.
Rating: Stalled
From the Pier One Department
The Wicker Man
Robin Hardy, 1973
This is one of those cult horror films that, if you’re me, you’ve heard a lot about, but you’ve never seen. Well, now I’ve seen it and it’s pretty damn good, if overly British. Edward Woodward (Breaker Morant) stars as Sgt. Howie, a British police detective who sea planes it out to Summerisle, a private island, complete with weird little village (think Twin Peaks on steroids... and British). Howie has flown out here in search of a girl who has gone missing. Of course, when he gets there, the villagers have no intention of copping to even the girl’s existence. Jerks. Well, Howie hangs around town, talking to the missing girl’s mother and sister, who have also never heard of her, and getting way to upset about a raunchy bar song. You see, a major point of the film is that our pal Howie is a christian and (gasp) a virgin and he doesn’t cotton to the hedonistic goings on around him, which include a nocturnal, outdoors orgy and Britt Ekland doing her best crazy lady naked dance in the next room, while tapping on the walls and trying to get Howie to come over for what Spider-man once taught me was called “bad touching.” Anyway, reluctantly moving away from naked Britt Ekland, Howie hangs around for a few days and manages to figure out that the girl is dead and burried. He confronts Lord Summerisle about this, a very cooky Christopher Lee in what is probably one of his best non-Dracula performances, and quickly finds out that the whole island is working on a weird pagan religious cult sort of thing that’s going to come to a head on May Day. After this, the plot takes a couple of welcome and unexpected twists that I won’t spoil here.
So, yeah, despite Christopher Lee being all cooky (he’s even in drag at one point) and naked Britt Ekland (did I mention she’s naked?) the plot is a bit of a horror stock plot. What knocks this sucker up to eleven, though, is the really weird mood this movie goes well out of it’s way to create. The thing is shot really artfully and with a nice leisurely pace. The colors are appropriately muted, giving the island a slight otherworldly quality. This is only further emphasized by the unusual score, consisting of some very weird, and very seventies folk stylings. It’s doing some very different things, but in this way, the film is a bit like Picnic at Hanging Rock. At any rate, it’s weird, it’s cooky, it’s a little thought provoking, and well worth your time, although I’m going to have to suggest avoiding the upcoming Nicolas Cage remake.
Rating: Seriously, did I mention that Britt Ekland dances around naked?
From the Let’s Get All Excited Department
Well, sports fans, it looks like Snakes on a Plane is not longer my most anticipated movie. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still going to be awesome, but something has supplanted it, something that, when it hits, is going to rock your socks off. That’s right, I’m talking Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. I couldn’t be more excited about JB and KG hitting the big screen together. The question one has to ask when looking at a movie featuring the D is, of course, not “Will it be fucking sweet?” but “How fucking sweet will it be?” The answer, by all indications, is pretty fucking sweet. I heard some of the songs the other day, and they, of course, rock. Keep in mind, too, that this is pretty much going to be a rock opera of the sort not seen on the American screen in far too long and it features, best of all, in his first rock opera in, like, thirty years, the great Meatloaf as JB’s dad. Do JB and the Loaf have a duet? Yes they do and I think I can guarantee that it will be Loaf’s best duet since Paradise on the Dashboard Lights. Ain’t no doubt about it. So, obviously, I’m pretty psyched. Can’t wait for November.
From the My Way or the Highway Department
Road House
Rowdy Herrington, 1989
Believe it or not, I’ve lived some twenty-three years on this earth and had never seen Road House. I know what you’re thinking, how lucky am I? Well, pretty lucky. Unfortunately, that all came to an end last night. First off, let me say that Road House is a hopelessly stupid movie about the world’s second most famous bouncer, Patrick Swayze in the role of Dalton. Dalton, aside from being bouncer numero dos, also holds a degree in philosophy. Of course, the whole idea of a world’s most famous bouncer is pretty stupid, let alone second most famous, but that doesn’t stop Mr. Dirty Dancing. Anyway, Dalton gets hired by the guy from Emergency! to clean up a rat hole bar, which inexplicably features as it’s only ever musical act a blind guitarist, who isn’t even black. In fact, now that I think about it, despite this film being hopelessly southern, there’s all of one black guy on screen for all of four seconds. Weird. Anyway, Dalton roles into town and, shock of shocks, ruffles feathers. Soon enough, the local rich dude takes advantage of the town’s apparent complete lack of police protection to blow up Dalton’s girl friend’s uncle’s auto parts store and then, no kidding, has a monster truck drive through Dalton’s pal’s used car dealership... in broad daylight. Where are the police? Luckily, Dalton’s pal and world’s most famous bouncer Sam Eliot (settle down, Grandma) shows up and... well doesn’t accomplish much. In fact, he gets killed. So, Dalton has to throw down with the guy what killed his mentor in a fight scene that includes the bad guy actually saying, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison.” What? Of course, everything turns out okay for Dalton and his (still living) friends and the world is once again safe for bar fights.
So, yeah, it’s pretty much a total stink burger of a movie without anything but it’s own idiocy going for it. Normally, I’d never have put this in. Patrick Swayze is, after all, reason enough to avoid any movie. So, why? Well, former Mystery Science Theater 3000 head writer and star Michael J. Nelson has embarked on a new enterprise: Rifftrax (www.rifftrax.com). You see, Mike’s done something that a lot of people have been talking about, but which no one has done: he’s started recording audio commentary tracks for whatever movie he damn well pleases and posting them on-line. Of course, this means that you have to rent the movie (or if it’s Road House, wait for it’s twice daily Starz showing) and synch up the track on your computer or CD player. No big, though. Anyway, I was hoping for a more straightforward sort of track from Mike about the movie, much like he seems to do when he speaks at colleges. What he does instead is pretty much the MST shtick of making comments at and about the movie, only all by himself. I have to admit to being a little leery about this, but Mike more than pulls it off. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that this Road House commentary stands up against MST’s best years. Very funny stuff and highly recommended. As for watching Road House on it’s own, you probably shouldn’t. If you have to, though, please avoid heavy machinery for an hour or so afterwards.
From the Where Does He Get Those Marvelous Toys Department
Well, it’s official. Warner Brothers has announced the man playing the Joker in The Dark Knight, the upcoming sequel to Batman Begins. That man is Heath Ledger. What? Yes, kids, it’s officially true, Brokeback Mountain himself is going to be the Joker. I can’t say I see him in the role, but Batman Begins was so good, I’m going to trust in the filmmakers on this one. Don’t let me down boys.
Cars
John Lasseter and Joe Ranft, 2006
Cars sucked. It really, really sucked and it became the first film since 2000’s Center Stage that I walked out on. Mind you, Cars isn’t that aggressively bad. I was just bored. Worse, the movie so clearly telegraphs it’s ending, practically from the first moments, that there is no reason for you to stay. You know damn well what will happen and, unfortunately, the characters aren’t interesting enough to make you care how they get there. Worse, the jokes are so tired and cliched that there is nary a laugh in the whole thing.
Of course, this is the movie about the anthropomorphic cars, which, sadly, do not turn into robots, led by Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson), a cocky race car. Normally, I kind of like Owen Wilson (see The Royal Tenenbaums), but, here, his character is just insufferably cocky. The rest of the cast is largely okay, though, featuring luminaries like Paul Newman, Tony Shalhoub, Bonnie Hunt, and George Carlin, alongside the intolerable Larry the Cable Guy. Anyway, McQueen’s cockiness makes him tie with two other cars in the big race and, on the way to the tie breaker, he gets lost in a hole in the wall town, which is apparently the storage garage for tired animation clichés. As you’d expect McQueen gets roped into staying in town until he learns his lesson from the simple townsfolk. Yawn.
Strangely, the best part of the movie was the unexpected cameo by the Car Talk guys. Yes, the jovial NPR hosts and real life brothers costar as McQueen’s sponsors, cracking the same sort of shambling jokes and oversized gafaws they do over the air every weekend and even reminding us, “Don’t drive like my brother!” It’s odd, unexpected, and for an unadvertised cameo, a little underwhelming, but, trust me, this is the best this film’s got, making it Pixar’s first real loser of a movie.
Rating: Stalled
From the Pier One Department
The Wicker Man
Robin Hardy, 1973
This is one of those cult horror films that, if you’re me, you’ve heard a lot about, but you’ve never seen. Well, now I’ve seen it and it’s pretty damn good, if overly British. Edward Woodward (Breaker Morant) stars as Sgt. Howie, a British police detective who sea planes it out to Summerisle, a private island, complete with weird little village (think Twin Peaks on steroids... and British). Howie has flown out here in search of a girl who has gone missing. Of course, when he gets there, the villagers have no intention of copping to even the girl’s existence. Jerks. Well, Howie hangs around town, talking to the missing girl’s mother and sister, who have also never heard of her, and getting way to upset about a raunchy bar song. You see, a major point of the film is that our pal Howie is a christian and (gasp) a virgin and he doesn’t cotton to the hedonistic goings on around him, which include a nocturnal, outdoors orgy and Britt Ekland doing her best crazy lady naked dance in the next room, while tapping on the walls and trying to get Howie to come over for what Spider-man once taught me was called “bad touching.” Anyway, reluctantly moving away from naked Britt Ekland, Howie hangs around for a few days and manages to figure out that the girl is dead and burried. He confronts Lord Summerisle about this, a very cooky Christopher Lee in what is probably one of his best non-Dracula performances, and quickly finds out that the whole island is working on a weird pagan religious cult sort of thing that’s going to come to a head on May Day. After this, the plot takes a couple of welcome and unexpected twists that I won’t spoil here.
So, yeah, despite Christopher Lee being all cooky (he’s even in drag at one point) and naked Britt Ekland (did I mention she’s naked?) the plot is a bit of a horror stock plot. What knocks this sucker up to eleven, though, is the really weird mood this movie goes well out of it’s way to create. The thing is shot really artfully and with a nice leisurely pace. The colors are appropriately muted, giving the island a slight otherworldly quality. This is only further emphasized by the unusual score, consisting of some very weird, and very seventies folk stylings. It’s doing some very different things, but in this way, the film is a bit like Picnic at Hanging Rock. At any rate, it’s weird, it’s cooky, it’s a little thought provoking, and well worth your time, although I’m going to have to suggest avoiding the upcoming Nicolas Cage remake.
Rating: Seriously, did I mention that Britt Ekland dances around naked?
From the Let’s Get All Excited Department
Well, sports fans, it looks like Snakes on a Plane is not longer my most anticipated movie. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still going to be awesome, but something has supplanted it, something that, when it hits, is going to rock your socks off. That’s right, I’m talking Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. I couldn’t be more excited about JB and KG hitting the big screen together. The question one has to ask when looking at a movie featuring the D is, of course, not “Will it be fucking sweet?” but “How fucking sweet will it be?” The answer, by all indications, is pretty fucking sweet. I heard some of the songs the other day, and they, of course, rock. Keep in mind, too, that this is pretty much going to be a rock opera of the sort not seen on the American screen in far too long and it features, best of all, in his first rock opera in, like, thirty years, the great Meatloaf as JB’s dad. Do JB and the Loaf have a duet? Yes they do and I think I can guarantee that it will be Loaf’s best duet since Paradise on the Dashboard Lights. Ain’t no doubt about it. So, obviously, I’m pretty psyched. Can’t wait for November.
From the My Way or the Highway Department
Road House
Rowdy Herrington, 1989
Believe it or not, I’ve lived some twenty-three years on this earth and had never seen Road House. I know what you’re thinking, how lucky am I? Well, pretty lucky. Unfortunately, that all came to an end last night. First off, let me say that Road House is a hopelessly stupid movie about the world’s second most famous bouncer, Patrick Swayze in the role of Dalton. Dalton, aside from being bouncer numero dos, also holds a degree in philosophy. Of course, the whole idea of a world’s most famous bouncer is pretty stupid, let alone second most famous, but that doesn’t stop Mr. Dirty Dancing. Anyway, Dalton gets hired by the guy from Emergency! to clean up a rat hole bar, which inexplicably features as it’s only ever musical act a blind guitarist, who isn’t even black. In fact, now that I think about it, despite this film being hopelessly southern, there’s all of one black guy on screen for all of four seconds. Weird. Anyway, Dalton roles into town and, shock of shocks, ruffles feathers. Soon enough, the local rich dude takes advantage of the town’s apparent complete lack of police protection to blow up Dalton’s girl friend’s uncle’s auto parts store and then, no kidding, has a monster truck drive through Dalton’s pal’s used car dealership... in broad daylight. Where are the police? Luckily, Dalton’s pal and world’s most famous bouncer Sam Eliot (settle down, Grandma) shows up and... well doesn’t accomplish much. In fact, he gets killed. So, Dalton has to throw down with the guy what killed his mentor in a fight scene that includes the bad guy actually saying, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison.” What? Of course, everything turns out okay for Dalton and his (still living) friends and the world is once again safe for bar fights.
So, yeah, it’s pretty much a total stink burger of a movie without anything but it’s own idiocy going for it. Normally, I’d never have put this in. Patrick Swayze is, after all, reason enough to avoid any movie. So, why? Well, former Mystery Science Theater 3000 head writer and star Michael J. Nelson has embarked on a new enterprise: Rifftrax (www.rifftrax.com). You see, Mike’s done something that a lot of people have been talking about, but which no one has done: he’s started recording audio commentary tracks for whatever movie he damn well pleases and posting them on-line. Of course, this means that you have to rent the movie (or if it’s Road House, wait for it’s twice daily Starz showing) and synch up the track on your computer or CD player. No big, though. Anyway, I was hoping for a more straightforward sort of track from Mike about the movie, much like he seems to do when he speaks at colleges. What he does instead is pretty much the MST shtick of making comments at and about the movie, only all by himself. I have to admit to being a little leery about this, but Mike more than pulls it off. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that this Road House commentary stands up against MST’s best years. Very funny stuff and highly recommended. As for watching Road House on it’s own, you probably shouldn’t. If you have to, though, please avoid heavy machinery for an hour or so afterwards.
From the Where Does He Get Those Marvelous Toys Department
Well, it’s official. Warner Brothers has announced the man playing the Joker in The Dark Knight, the upcoming sequel to Batman Begins. That man is Heath Ledger. What? Yes, kids, it’s officially true, Brokeback Mountain himself is going to be the Joker. I can’t say I see him in the role, but Batman Begins was so good, I’m going to trust in the filmmakers on this one. Don’t let me down boys.
posted by Eric Houston at 11:04 PM
1 Comments:
Cars was good man! I enjoyed it.
Heath Ledger as the Joker? Oh man. The Brokeback jokes are never going to end. Christian Bale was a pleasant surprise as the Bat himself, maybe Ledger can be the same for the Joker.
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