The Wrestler

Darren Aronofsky, 2008

Note: at some point this review sort of took on a life of its own and I began to talk about a lot of things I hadn’t intended to. As such, it’s littered with spoilers. If you haven’t see the movie and want to, you probably shouldn’t read this, at least not the last few paragraphs.

I can’t tell you why I didn’t see this movie earlier. To be fair, I’m not really a fan of Aronofsky. I couldn’t wait to see his previous picture, The Fountain, but was badly disappointed by it. Also, while parts of this movie seem right up my alley (particularly Marisa Tomei as a stripper), there was something about it that seemed like it could well kind of suck. And, really, that’s the attitude I’ve had about a lot of the supposedly “great” movies that came out this year. The Reader, Milk, Revolutionary Road, Doubt, and others, some of which I’ll talk about later, all felt like they were just going to lay there. Sure, I figured they’d be good movies, but there was nothing in the trailers or plots even to make me care too much. Still, I held out hope for The Wrestler and headed over to the Coon Rapids Karasotes to see the picture after work this past Friday.

As soon as the opening credits started, I knew I was in there presence of greatness. As the names, framed in stark white, appear on the screen, the camera moves over a disorganized pile of posters and press clippings, all detailing a fictional ‘80s rivalry between Randy “The Ram” Robinson and The Ayatola. I was hooked. From there, we catch up with the Ram in the modern day. He’s washed up now, a has been who spends his weekends autographing Polaroids or fighting matches with men half his age at the local VFW. During the week, he whiles away the days hauling boxes around the back rooms of a local grocery and hanging out at a strip club, getting lap dances from Marisa Tomei who, it has to be said, looks amazing.

During a particularly brutal match, the Ram endures everything from barbwire ripping open his flesh to meeting the business end of a staple gun. After, he collapses in the locker room, the victim of a heart attack. The doctors tell him that his career is over. If he wrestles again, he will die.

It is no mistake that the film is called The Wrestler. That is, at the end of the day, precisely what the Ram is, in the most iconic terms. The Wrestler is who he is; it is all he knows how to be. Still, if the Ram knows anything, it’s how to fight and fight he does, putting up a valiant effort to try and shed the twenty years of ever diminishing fame in favor of a new life. He reaches out to Marisa Tomei, the only woman with whom he has any sort of romantic relationship or even relationship at all. At first, we fear that the Ram is deluding himself with her. She is, after all, a stripper and he is, after all, her client. Yet, that relationship serves to unite them much more than we might suspect. Tomei’s stripper is ultimately facing the same twilight as the Ram. Her entire career is based on the use of her body as a tool. She is the subject of look and fantasy, but as she grows older, that body is failing her. Her clientele is clearly diminishing, just as the Ram’s is. Just as fewer and fewer fans want to see the exploits of an aged wrestler, fewer and fewer johns want lap dances from the aging stripper.

The Ram and Marisa begin a relationship in earnest, he constantly convinced of its viability, she keeping him always at arm’s length, unwilling perhaps to admit to the truths of her own life that a relationship with the Ram might represent, namely that something good could come from her demeaning profession or, worse yet, that she and this tarnished idol are more alike than she ever knew. The Ram simultaneously attempts to take a job at the meat counter of the grocery store and to reconnect with his long estranged daughter.

For a moment, it looks like it all might work. Marisa begins to open up, the Ram and his daughter spend a touching afternoon together as he confesses that all he wants is for her to not hate him. Even the job at the deli counter seems like it might work out, despite the fact that the manager has printed his real name, Robin, on his name badge.

Robin, in fact, is who the Ram is trying to be, just as Marisa Tomei’s stripper, who’s stage name is Cassidy, realizes she wants to be Pam (her real name). But while, Cassidy is just a face Pam puts on, the Ram is the Ram. He is the wrestler and there is no escaping it. It hardly takes long at all for the fragile reality the Ram has constructed in his earnest attempt to be Robin to fall apart completely. A night of hard drinking and sex makes him late for a dinner with his daughter, irreparably damaging their still tender new relationship by reinforcing her image of her father as a man who is never there. Pam keeps him at arms length, leading to a fight at the strip club, and the tedium of the deli counter begins to take its toll.

It is while dealing with an increasingly impatient group of customers that one recognizes Robin as the Ram. Like Saint Peter, the Ram tries to deny it, but the man’s persistence get’s the better of him and in a scene echoing an earlier moment in the ring where the Ram cuts himself with a razor blade to produce some blood for the crowd, the Ram cuts himself on the meat slicer and quits in a fury, blood gushing from his hand.

One might argue that this is not irreparable. As we see in a few intercut scenes, Pam really does care for the Ram and is coming around. Perhaps he can still patch up things with his daughter. Maybe he can get another job.

Contemplating these possibilities, I find myself thinking of two other films. The first is Clint Eastwood’s Million Dollar Baby, where in Hillary Swank’s female boxer suddenly finds herself completely paralyzed, parts of her body suddenly amputated in the night when infections begin to set in. She is a woman whose entire being is based on physicality, on being a boxer. With that denied her, her existence is no longer bearable and she begs Clint Eastwood’s character to euthanize her, an act which cannot be seen as anything but passion and release, particularly once the doctors begin to keep her constantly sedated to prevent her from trying to kill herself by doing things like biting through her tongue. The other movie I find myself thinking of is The Incredibles. There’s this amazing scene in that movie where Mr. Incredible and his family is trapped by the film’s villain. Not long before he was convinced that his family was killed and he confesses that he cannot break out of their trap because he is not strong enough. He doesn’t mean strong enough, physically though. He is not strong enough to risk losing his family again.

This is the image of the Ram I have in these final scenes. Number one: he is the wrestler. He is not Robin and he has been denied his very being. He is literally incapable of being Robin. He doesn’t know how. True, he could keep trying again and again to be that man, but he simply isn’t strong enough for the continued failure. This tower of a man who beat back man after man in the ring, cannot bear to look in his daughter’s eyes and hear her say she doesn’t love him ever again. He isn’t strong enough.

And so, the Ram heads for the biggest wrestling match of the film, a much publicized re-match between himself and The Ayatola, now a used car salesman. There is no mistaking it, though, as the Ram leaves his trailer park home one last time, it is on a suicide mission. Even if, by some miracle he doesn’t die at this match, he will keep wrestling until he does. He doesn’t know how to do anything else.

As the match is about to begin, Pam arrives to talk him out of it. She does care for him, she says, she’s there for him, offering him a reason to step back from the ledge, but the Ram’s mind is made up. He steps into the ring and begins the match. It’s not long before his opponent realizes that the Ram isn’t well. He’s sluggish, having trouble getting up off the matt. He is dying. The Ayatola offers him an easy way out. He will let the Ram win. All he has to do is end it. The Ram looks back to the back stage entrance, but Pam is gone. In that crucial moment, his mind is made up. The Ram climbs the turnbuckle, his legs shaky as he prepares to inflict his trademark body slam on his opponent. He basks in the roar of the crowd for a final brief moment, jumps, and dies.

Australia

Baz Luhrmann, 2008

Quite simply, Baz Luhrmann’s Australia is the sort of movie they just don’t make anymore and not exactly the film I expected from Luhrmann. Whereas Moulin Rouge, Luhrmann’s previous picture and a personal favorite, was a postmodern masterpiece of the likes of which we hadn’t seen before, Australia is, in many way, precisely and specifically something we’ve seen before. That is not to say the film isn’t good or, indeed, not postmodern. In truth, it’s both of those, but it is also a very different movie from Moulin Rouge. Audiences who were shocked or confused by the frantic energy of Moulin Rouge will enjoy the slower pace and familiar plot of Australia.

Australia, you see, is a cattle drive epic that has much more in common with sprawling American westerns than anything else. Nicole Kidman is Lady Sarah Ashley, a member of the British upper crust who has journeyed to 1940s Australia to assist her husband in selling a failing cattle ranch set up amidst Australia’s Outback. When she arrives, however, she finds her husband already dead, murdered by a nefarious cattle hand who has been rustling Nicole’s cattle to a rival ranch. Of course, Nicole decides to take on a cross country cattle drive herself, recruiting a ragtag team that includes an Aboriginal woman, a young, half-caste Aboriginal boy, a drunk bookkeeper, and the Drover. The Drover is the ruggedly handsome, rough around the edges loner played by Hugh Jackman. A sort of freelance cattle driver, the Drover is the sort of character that’s right at home in American westerns (to be fair, there’s more than a little of the Australian ocker character – Crocodile Dundee is a popular if a bit imperfect example – to the Drover as well and the two concepts are not mutually exclusive, but I’ve hardly the time to get into that here and now). Of course, he and Nicole hate each other at first, but soon find themselves in each other’s arms. The film follows the cattle drive through the gorgeous scenery of the Outback before segueing into a second act that’s more about Hugh and Nicole’s romance and a third act set amidst a Japanese attack on Australia in the weeks following Pearl Harbor.

The familiar ground of the plot does not hinder the film, though. Indeed, it is, in many ways, an asset. For one the familiar plot, gives the viewer ample time to admire the gorgeous scenery (which, of course, includes the always ravishing Ms. Kidman). It isn’t a worn out plot, either, meaning that there are still plenty of thrilling and heartbreaking moments, like in the stampede about a third of the way into the film. Further, while familiar, this really is the sort of thing we just don’t see on the screen anymore, which, ironically, makes the film stand out as something unique amongst the other new releases. It is a step back in time, not just in the setting, but in the filmmaking as well.

One last thing: it is easy to think of Australia as a picturesque movie that casts it’s world as a sort of paradise and, indeed, the film does do that in part, but that doesn’t mean that it shies away from the darker aspects of the time. In the 1940s, Australia was engaged in a practice that led to what has become known as “the stolen generation.” The stolen generation is a regular subject in such Australian films as Rabbit-Proof Fence but which remains relatively unknown to Americans. At that time in Australia, it was common practice for the government to forcibly remove half-white/half-black Aboriginal children from their mothers, many of whom were the victims of rape. These children were then sent to a mission island off the Australian coast where they were raised by the church with the express purpose of “breeding the black out of them,” by denying them any link to their rich Aboriginal heritage. The stolen generation, then, is just that: an entire generation of children stolen by the government from their parents and their culture. This tragedy is examined through the character of Nullah, the half-caste boy who lives on Nicole’s ranch and whom she eventually comes to think of as her own child. This sets up for some nice drama in the third act as the film’s villain (the cattle rustler from earlier) threatens to send Nullah, in truth his own bastard son, to the mission island. Of course, Nicole is horrified both by the prospect of losing the boy and of the general practice, even though she herself has tried to keep Nullah from indulging in his heritage by going on walkabout with his Aboriginal grandfather (played by the seemingly ever-present Aboriginal actor David Gulpilil of Crocodile Dundee, Rabbit-Proof Fence, and The Last Wave fame).

Ultimately, while not as stunningly original as Moulin Rouge, Australia is a really solid, entertaining picture that really stands out from the regular box office fare of today. It’s a trip back to a different time that’s well worth taking, particularly if you long for the cattle driving epics of yesteryear. Three stars.

Highlander II (Renegade Version)

Russell Mulcahy, 1991

The year is 2026 for some reason. Connor MacLeod (of the clan MacLeod) is now an old man or at least a raspy voiced guy with shitty old man make-up. The world is covered by a neon red dome to stop the UV rays from killing us all now that the ozone layer is gone or something. Oh and somehow the neon red sky has ruined civilization. Oh and Connor isn’t a 16th century Highlander who met Sean Connery, trained, watched Connery get killed, and then spends the next three hundred years beheading his other immortal rivals, he’s some sort of alien immortal from Earth’s distant past who got exiled to the future by Michael Ironside who, now that five hundred years has passed, decides to kill Connor proper like and dispatches a pair of porcupine-haired immortal leather fiends to kill him. In the future. I guess. Then he comes to the future himself. Then Sean Connery somehow comes back from the dead. Then he and Connor decide to blow up the energy shield for some reason. Oh and it turns out Connor built the shield in the first place. And he manages to get Virginia Madsen to have sex with him in an alley five minutes after they meet. Then Sean Connery dies again. Then Connor and Michael Ironside, who’s wearing a goofy longhair fright wig for some reason, fight. And I guess the world gets saved. I’m not really sure.

Let the Right One In (Lat den Ratte Komma In)

Tomas Alfredson, 2008

So I spent the better part of Saturday afternoon and evening finishing up my book (The Comic Book Podcast Companion - http://www.amazon.com/Comic-Book-Podcast-Companion/dp/1605490180/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233023541&sr=8-1), which, incidentally is what kept me away from this poor, neglected blog for so long. By about 10:30, I was pretty burnt out and desperately needed a break. A quick glance at the trusty Internets revealed that Let the Right One In, a Swedish vampire flick I’d heard nothing but good things about, was playing down at the Riverview. Better yet, it was starting in twenty minutes and a mad, late night dash to the theater in the frigid Minnesota winter was exactly what I needed to get outside of my own head.

Like usual, I made it just in time, paid my three dollars (all in nickels and dimes, ‘natch) and picked out my seat amongst the near capacity crowd. That, by the way, is one thing I love about the cities. Here’s a place where easily three to four hundred people (the Riverview is a big place) will brave the cold to see a Swedish vampire movie. Truly, these are my people. Now, finding my seat was a little tricky as I came in just as the credits started. The credits consisted of a stark black screen, broken occasionally by small white text and a flurry of snowflakes. When I say the movie started out dark, I mean that literally. There was hardly enough reflected light to find an empty seat, forcing me into one on the aisle.

The credits set the perfect tone for the film as much of it takes place in the dark and the snow of a series of Swedish winter nights. The mood was everything 30 Days of Night aspired to, but missed in no small part because of its desire to be a crowd pleasing blockbuster. Let the Right One In, due I’m sure in no small part to the virtue of it’s being a foreign film, has little interest in going for the broader audience and that’s definitely to the film’s advantage. It’s not for everyone, but, if it’s what you’re into, you’re going to love it.

The story centers around Oskar (Kare Hedebrant), a bullied and ignored child who meets a young girl named Eli (Lina Leandersson) in the snow outside his apartment building one dark night. Eli is, of course, a vampire. She tells Oskar that, like him, she is twelve years old, but that she has been twelve for a long time. It’s a neat idea, if one that we’ve seen before. After all, the eternal little girl vampire played by Kirsten Dunst was the most interesting part of Interview with the Vampire. Interestingly, Eli acts throughout like a 12 year-old would, as if she truly is eternally 12 and not an experience old mind trapped in a 12 year-old body. Thanks to that fact, she and Oskar develop a true friendship that edges throughout the movie into the territory of young love. Eli encourages the best in Oskar, prompting him to finally stand up to the bullies who have long besieged him while Oskar gives Eli the compassion and simple companionship that has apparently been gone from her life for so long.

Now, from that description, you may well imagine a movie about love and friendship that’s fit for the whole family. That couldn’t be further from the truth. True, there is love and friendship, but, as I said before, it is set amidst blackness. Eli is, after all, a vampire. Better yet, she’s an old school monster vampire. So many vampire pictures these days imagine the blood-suckers as tall, wispy, long haired sex symbols who spend an inordinate amount of time loving and brooding (I’m looking at you, Twilight). Somewhere along the road, we traded Bram Stoker for Anne Rice and forgot that vampires are scary. Let the Right One In, however, embraces the old school. Eli may be a 12 year-old girl, but that only heightens her monstrosity when it does indeed manifest. Not long after we meet her, she claims her first victim, luring an older man into picking her up, ostensibly to carry her to the hospital. Once in his arms, she savagely tears into neck, crouching atop him once he falls, snarling and slurping, feeding like a beast. When Eli kills, it isn’t elegant; it’s feral.

The film features a number of fantastic deaths and dismemberments, most of which are shot from such a distance to avoid comical gore of any sort, leaving only the sense of horrible event as seen by an eye witness somewhere down the road. The penultimate pool scene in particular is pretty amazing and I’d love to describe it here, but to do so would spoil one of the most amazing on-screen killings I’ve seen in years, not to mention a really satisfying ending for the film.

Eli is not the film’s only killer. When we meet her, Eli lives with an older man. He is Eli’s caretaker, which means that he leaves the apartment at night, carrying a bottle of ether, a funnel, a gallon jug, a plastic raincoat, and a knife to prey on unsuspecting pedestrians. That he adds a jar of acid to his tool kit only makes the scenario more horrifying and tragic. We never know who he is. At one point, Eli tells a nurse that the man is her “papa,” but that could easily be a lie. Whoever he is, he loves Eli. He may well be her papa or perhaps a brother who aged when she didn’t or, even sadder, another who, like Oskar, fell in love with Eli as a boy but grew old as she stayed young, leaving him to watch another win her heart. In this interpretation, we are also left with the sad conclusion that perhaps his is the same fate that one day awaits Oskar. The film never comes down concretely on his identity and I prefer it that way.

All that said, the film is a bit flawed. It is ultimately a little long in the tooth (if you’ll pardon the pun) and a bit too ponderous. Still, what works works so well as to make any flaws forgivable. That penultimate pool scene is such a stroke of brilliance that I’m certain to think of this movie for some time as both the most effective horror film I’ve seen in years (certainly since The Descent) and one of the more heartwarming. Three and a half stars all the way.

In any case, I’m apparently back at it. With the book finally done, I think I should have the time for this old blog again. And it seems like I picked just the right time to come back as it’s Dudies time once again. Look for those in the coming weeks. Until then, thanks for reading.

Happy Hogswatch

Over the past few days, I have been lucky enough to catch a couple of truly wonderful films. The first of these, Hogfather, is really more of a mini-series, I suppose, produced in 2006 for British television. Hogfather, while sharing, at the most basic level, many of the themes of your average American Hallmark mini-series, the sort that plays across two or three nights on NBC – Merlin for example, is a significantly better written and produced affair. The film/mini-series is based on one of the books in Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series. While I am somewhat familiar with Mr. Pratchett from his and Neil Gaiman’s collaboration Good Omens, I have never read any of the Discworld novels. Further, as Hogfather is apparently the 20th such novel, I approached this film with some small amount of reservation. Luckily, there is little one needs to know about Discworld that isn’t explained up front. Further, the plot itself stands largely apart from the rest of the series, while those characters who do carry over from other novels all have the necessary parts of their backstory explained in due course.

Discworld, it seems, is a sort of fantasy world, the sort where magic is real and wizards exist, placed in a contemporary setting. What’s more, Discworld is, in fact, a disc, a flat earth situated atop the backs of four elephants who stand on top of a the shell of a giant turtle that floats through space. As the film opens, we learn that it is Hogswatch Eve on Discworld, roughly the equivalent of Christmas Eve on Earth, and that the Hogfather, think Santa Claus but with tusks and an affinity for pork products, will soon arrive with presents for all the small children of Discworld. At least, that’s what is supposed to happen. Unfortunately, someone has hired the Guild of Assassins to dispose of the Hogfather. The Guild sends the bizarre Mr. Teatime (Tay-uh-tym-ee), a bizarre little man with curly blonde hair, boyish good looks, frightening eyes and a disturbing cadence that sounds a bit like Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka. As Teatime invades the Toothfairy’s castle in a clever bid to control the belief of the world’s children through their teeth, Death, your standard robed skeleton, discovers the waning belief in the Hogfather and decides to take the jolly one’s place. So, with red suit and fake beard in place, Death himself sets out to play Santa, ostensibly buying time for his granddaughter, Susan, a damned cute girl with stark white hair streaked with black, to both discover and thwart Teatime’s plan. It is, admittedly, a rather complex piece of work, but that is to the film’s credit. After all, everything is explained in time and the ride along the way is a very enjoyable, charming one that ends with a subtle, yet profound truth about the very nature of humanity. I can’t recommend the whimsical Hogfather enough, if only to watch Death himself attempt time and time again to perfect his “Ho ho ho.”

The second film I want to share with you is 1967’s The President’s Analyst. James Coburn is hilarious as a psychiatrist who has been secured to become analyst to the (unnamed) president of the United States. Coburn is at the president’s constant beck and call, trying his damnedest to calm the gargantuan fears of the leader of the free world. Before long, Coburn runs away, first with a family of gun mad liberals (led by the terrific William Daniels) and, later, with a group of hippies. Of course, every intelligence agency on the planet, including Russia, Canada, China, and two US organizations, are after the man with intimate knowledge of the president’s deepest secrets. There are several hilarious bits in this film, including a montage of Coburn being inopportunely summoned to the president’s side and a series of assassins murdering each other one by one in order to get a shot at Coburn as he picnics in a field. Alright, so it sounds more like a thriller on paper, but trust me, this is funny, funny stuff and easily one of the best edited movies I’ve seen in years.

The 2007 Dudie Awards

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Academy of Eric Houston Arts and Sciences, in association with The National Brotherhood of Erics Local 247, are proud to present the 2007 Dudie Awards.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, with some quick thoughts on rejection for those who didn’t win this year, our host, co-star of the upcoming Run, Fatboy, Run, Dylan Moran!

Thank you, Dylan. And now, a quick word about the two year long history of the Dudies. The Dudies were conceived by me as a cheap Oscar rip-off and they remain that to this day. The winners of the Dudies will each receive one of our lovely Burt Reynolds (from Gator) statuettes. The practice of awarding a Dom DeLouise medallion to the runners up, has been discontinued by popular suggestion from said runners up.

And now, without further adieu, The Dudies.

Best Romance – Stardust

Stardust, based on the illustrated novel by Neil Gaiman and Charlie Vess was one of my favorite movies this year and, at it’s heart, is the irresistible romance between Tristan and a fallen star possessed of human form. Claire Daines playes the star, named Yvaine. Now, I’ve never cared much for Ms Daines, but you’d have to have a heart of stone not to fall in love with her and Yvaine in this picture, particularly after the scene in Ditchwater Sal’s wagon. It’s also worth pointing out that, while the romance is the heart of this picture, there’s plenty of other stuff going on to entertain as well, including a comic competition between seven princes to be the last one still alive.

Best Animated Feature That Wasn’t Ratatouille

This actually wasn’t a bad year for animated movies. Of course, Ratatouille was spectacular, but there were a couple of nice surprises this year in addition to Brad Bird’s charming opus. As is usually the case, these other animated films were very poorly marketed, sold as pure kids fare instead of the all ages pictures they were. Of these, the best were (tie) Meet the Robinsons and Bee Movie. Meet the Robinsons was the movie that had the commercial featuring a talking T-rex, who said, “I have a big head and little arms.” Admittedly, not the comedy high point of that movie, but you might recall it. It also happens to be the story of a young orphan boy brought through time to an exciting future to meet, what is very clearly, his future family (after his future son has lost one of the family’s two time machines by leaving the garage door unlocked). The picture also features a Snydley Whiplash style villain (in both appearance and performance), complete with his own entertaining back-story and sentient bowler derby. There are also a few well-placed Tom Selleck jokes.

Bee Movie, meanwhile, features a bee played by Jerry Seinfeld. As you’ve probably guessed, that equals a bee that talks like Jerry, acts like Jerry, and makes observational jokes. Frankly, a lot of these jokes about the lives of bees are pretty funny, as is the plot, revolving around Jerry the Bee falling for a human woman, suing humanity for stealing honey, and then making up for the fallout of his impulsive actions. It turns out to be a damn funny movie with a halfway decent message.

Best DVD Release – Blade Runner Final Cut

Five cuts of the movie, a feature length documentary, a mountain of supplemental materials, production stills, a plastic “origami” unicorn, a toy police car, some sort of lenticular doo dad, a letter from Ridley Scott, a fancy file folder, a replica of Harrison Ford’s briefcase, one of Sean Young’s eyelashes, a make-up sponge used on Daryll Hannah, a midget that recites “This Little Pig Went to Market,” and a sliver from the true cross. Go buy it today.

Best Documentary – The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

Heroes, villains, geeks, and one perennial loser, who just wants to win the world record at Donkey Kong. The problem is, the video gaming elite won’t let him. These are the ingredients of the best documentary of the year, a movie that is at once funny, ridiculous, heartwarming, heart breaking. It’s the most entertaining documentary to come out in years and it’s a damn shame it wasn’t nominated for Oscar. Still, you should go out and see it. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it.

Worst Part 3 – Shrek the Third

It seems that this was the year of the part three: Pirates of the Carribean 3, Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third, and I think a couple of others. The problem is – they all sucked. Ah, but which sucked the most? Spider-Man 3, particularly when compared to the exceptional part two, is a major disappointment, but at least there are a few high points. Pirates of the Carribean 3 benefits from having created most of its problems (weird plot, pointless re-use of characters from the first film, stupid fish monsters in its second part. Shrek 3, meanwhile, came off two superior films with a major disappointment. There was nothing funny about this underwritten fugitive from the made for DVD market and in a medium where it takes years and years to create one film, you’d think someone would have noticed at some point how badly this one stunk.

Best TV Show to Movie Translation – The Simpsons Movie

It took a good ten years longer than it should have, but we finally got ourselves a Simpsons movie and, you know what, even though the show’s been going downhill for years, this movie was pretty good. High points included Homer calling anyone who’d pay money to see free TV characters idiots and, of course, Spider-Pig.

The Burt Reynolds Memorial “I Know He Isn’t Dead Yet” Machismo Award

We at the Dudies home office were all prepared to give this sucker to Gerard Butler for his testosterone driven performances as King Leonidas in 300. After seeing Gerard in that movie, we spent weeks running around the home office naked, gnawing on raw beef and screeming, “This is Sparta!” Then, the unthinkable happened: Gerard threw away all his man cred by appearing in the decidedly femmy PS I Love You. Say it ain’t so, man. Say it ain’t so! Well, it was so. That’s why this years winner is not the Spartan king, but Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd is a comedian whom you have probably seen as a background character in a number of movies, including The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. He is very funny. Well, this year he also appeared in The Ten, where, as the narrator of a series of comedic skits about the Ten Commandments, he manages to bed both uber hottie Famke Janssen and Jessica Alba. Hoo boy. Now, that’s manly.

Note: I was going to run a clip here of Rudd with Jessica Alba, but the only one I could find on YouTube was much, much too dirty (although hilarious) to post here. I would like to point out, though, that that only cements his worthiness for this award.

Best Western, Best Cinematography, Longest Title, and Favorite Picture (Runner-Up) –The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is a fascinating, engrossing, well-performed, beautifully shot, and superbly directed picture. The train robbery scene, shot by the always amazing Richard Deakins, is particularly gorgeous. This is the only picture this year that I had absolutely no problems with, and, yet, it still wasn’t my favorite picture.

Best Movie to Take Your Daughter To – Enchanted

Aside from being another in a string of surprisingly good family films and aside from featuring the cute as a button Amy Adams (Amy? Call me), Enchanted also has a great message for the all too princess obsessed youth: maybe it isn’t a good idea to marry a guy you met yesterday.

And now, a musical interlude from Enchanted, featuring the aforementioned cutie, Amy Adams.

Best Action/Comedy – Hot Fuzz

Of course, I have to give some mad props to Hot Fuzz. I am, without any doubt, wholly in love with both Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright, the writers and, respectively, star and director of both Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. These movies are not only hilarious spoofs, but are, in fact, the perfect distillation of the genre they take on. That is to say, just as Shawn of the Dead is now regarded as one of the best zombie movies ever made, Hot Fuzz is easily one of the best police action movies ever made, thanks in no small part to Wright’s amazing direction and editing and the incredibly smart script. Also, it doesn’t hurt matters that the picture features such brilliant British thespians as Edward Woodward, Jim Broadbent, Bill Nighy, and Timothy Dalton.

Geek-gasm Moment –I am Optimus Prime

I’m sitting there in the theater. The lights go dark and then, over the numerous speakers comes the rumbling, familiar voice of Optimus Prime. Instantly, a part of myself was transported back to my childhood, while the rest of me nursed a major geek hard-on for the next hour.

Best (Independent) Picture No One Saw – Lars and the Real Girl

It’s about a guy who falls in love with his sex doll! How could you not want to see it?

Sci-Fi Picture – Sunshine

Sunshine is a clever sci-fi movie about a mission to reignite the sun. True, much of the movie cribs from other sci-fi greats, but, somehow, it really works. The film was directed by 28 Days Later’s Danny Boyle and stars Cillian “Freaky Eyes” Murphy and features a shockingly non-annoying performance from FF2’s Chris Evans.

Worst Picture – Resurrecting the Champ

Resurrecting the Champ started out as an ad campaign composed of pure Oscar bait, bosting a career making performance from Samuel L. Jackson, a man, who, frankly, already has a pretty solid career. Admittedly Samuel’s performance here is decidedly different from his usual shtick. You see, in Champ, Samuel speaks in a raspy whisper rather than shouting. Still, the film is overlong, underwritten, and entirely too sappy. Worst of all, though, is a craptacular performance by the winner of this year’s worst thing ever award, Josh Hartnett. Josh planned to be here to accept his awards, but he was unfortunately placed in a wet paper bag yesterday and has yet to act his way out.

Hottest Actress (Animated) – Angelina Jolie

Naked Angelina? And in 3-D?! As the small child in my theater said when we first saw that CGI ass, “Wow.”

Best Screenplay – Juno

Well written, clever, heartfelt, and all from an ex-Minneapolis stripper… and you know I like strippers.

Best Actress – Ellen Page

The best thing about Juno, even better than the screenplay, was Ellen Page’s performance. Without such commitment to her quirky character, the screenplay could easily have fallen on its face. Fortunately, Ellen was able to use it to create a fully realized character that rings truer than most.

Best Horror Movie – The Mist

Despite it’s overly tragic ending, The Mist is an incredibly engaging horror film from the director of The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. The story concentrates on a group of average men and women trapped in a grocery store as fog surrounds their small New England town. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, except, of course, that there’s something in the mist and, unlike the John Carpenter film, what’s in the mist is significantly larger and deadlier than ghost pirates. Still, what’s most interesting about this picture is that it that the monsters are not the most terrifying part – it’s what the people themselves become when put into the situation. Better news is that the DVD will include a special black and white version of the film that ought to bring it even closer to its Twilight Zone-esque roots.

Best Supporting Actress – Marcia Gay Harden

Marcia is usually a pleasure to watch, but she really shines here, perfectly embodying an overzealous bible thumper who becomes a crazed cult leader after just a taste of power. All this happens in The Mist. When the monsters begin to appear, Marcia preaches that the end times have come. At first, no one believes her, but mounting fear and a couple of lucky, obvious predictions give her frightening power, making her a terror much more potent than the CGI monsters outside.

MVP and Best Supporting Actor – This year’s most valuable player is, without a doubt and surprisingly, Casey Affleck. That’s right, Ben’s younger brother turned in two amazing performances this year. First, he played the cut rake Brooklyn detective who stumbles on a case with a juicy moral center in big brother Ben’s directorial debut, Gone Baby Gone. Then, he gave an Academy Award nominated performance as the titular assassin in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Both were great performances that made their respective movies a pair of my favorites for this year.

Best Actor – Javier Bardem

As immoral bounty hunter Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men, Javier Bardem created a truly memorable screen villain. Perhaps the best scene in No Country comes when Anton tries to check out at a gas station. The elderly attendant casually mentions that he notice the state of the license plate on Anton’s (stolen) car. This man could help authorities track Anton and it seems like a good idea to kill him, but Chigurh decides to leave it up to a coin toss. Check it out:

Best Director – The Coen Brothers

The Coens showed up to play this year. They’ve made numerous classic films over the last twenty plus years and, while not necessarily my favorite, No Country for Old Men is without a doubt one of their best. The directing here is top notch. The film is full of nuanced performances, a fascinating, atypical narrative style, beautiful Western vistas, suspenseful moments, and scores of those interesting, Sturges-like faces the Coens so love. If you like the Coen brothers, and their dramatic side in particular, you owe it to yourself to see this movie.

Best Picture Actually Nominated For Best Picture – No Country For Old Men

What a movie! And, hey, it actually won best picture, too. Yay Coen Brothers. Admittedly, this still isn’t my favorite of their movies. It is, after all, no Big Lebowski, but it’s still a damn fine picture. What it is, for those of you not in the know, is a brilliant character examination of pure evil, in the form of bounty hunter/assassin Anton Chigurh, a man whose motives are ruled by fate and a twisted code of honor, but never by any recognizable morality. Sheriff Tommy Lee Jones and prey Josh Brolin both run afoul of Chigurh, as does another bounty hunter, amiably played by Woody Harrelson in a sort of Bat Lash/ Water Hole No. 7 sort of mold, and an elderly gas station manager. The movie is beautiful, haunting, thought provoking, and utterly unforgettable, if never quite conventional.

Worst Picture Actually Nominated For Best Picture – Attonement

Now, I have to admit that my animosity for this movie is somewhat tempered by my seeing it in the most uncomfortable theatrical setting I’ve found myself in in years. I went to see this movie at the Mann Highlands near St. Catherine’s College in Saint Paul. I’d never been to the theater – it’s a little two screener (converted from one) in the middle of a charming, out of the way business district. Well, I couldn’t have been more disappointed with the theater. The seats were tiny and much too close together and I could neither slouch nor cross my legs for the duration. The screen was also by far the smallest I’ve ever seen. It was so small, in fact, that I nearly asked for my money back before even taking my seat. After all, this screen wasn’t even as big as some televisions. Still, I sat for the movie. I even endured chatter from confused elderly people and even answered some of their questions (which were actually directed at me). The movie itself is slow, pretentious, and uninteresting. Visually, it is admittedly impressive, but it is very, very lacking narratively. Plus, there’s a twist that has all the impact of a mosquito hitting the windshield. Bah phooey, sir. Bah phooey.

Favorite Movie and Best Theatrical Experience of the Year – Grindhouse

Grindhouse is easily the most fun I’ve had in a theater in at least five years. Clocking in at almost three hours, Grindhouse contains two seventies grindhouse style pictures and a handful of fake trailers directed by the likes of Edgar Wright (my new favorite director) and Rob Zombie. One of these trailers, Machete (“You just messed with the wrong Mexican.”) is included below for your viewing pleasure. Meanwhile, Planet Terror, directed by Robert Rodriguez, is the story of a zombie apocalypse, which involves a stripper with a machine gun leg. The other picture, Death Proof, directed by Quentin Tarrantino, features the always awesome Kurt Russell as a homicidal stunt driver. If I have any quibbles with this movie, it’s that Death Proof starts out too slow and that Tarrantino doesn’t quite commit to the whole grindhouse concept as much as he might. Regardless, this is a gory, hilarious, mind-blowing experience. Also, if you want a good time, do what I did and catch it at midnight the night before Easter.

Well, that’s it. It’s been a long Dudies this year, but part of that is to make up for not giving many of these films the proper reviews they deserved over the last years. Anyway, drive home safe. Your local news is next.

Fred Garvin

Just for fun:

Oscar Post-Mortem

Well, kids, it’s time for the Oscar post-mortem. As it turns out, my picks weren’t exactly “right on,” but I was still pleased by the outcome in every place I missed. Still, before we move on to look at the winners, and there were several, let’s look at the ceremony itself.

Jon Stewart did one hell of a job as host this year. He was funny, genial, and, best of all, he expressed a genuine interest and excitement in the awards that I think really connected with the audience or, at least, me. Particularly nice was Stewart’s clear joy at seeing Once take home best original song, even bringing the song’s co-writer back onto the stage after commercial to give the speech that she was tragically cut off from giving. Further, Stewarts monologue was funny, without being too jabby (although it did veer off into the purely political a bit much). His prepared video bits, while not as funny as his Homosexuality in Western Movies bit from a couple of years ago, were cute.

The clip reels were a bit of a disappointment on the whole, particularly the all to obviously CGI opening. The “In Memoriam” was nice, as always (hard to screw that up) and actually showcased a number of people whom I didn’t know were dead.

The musical numbers were good, if not great. Particularly odd was the cute as a button Amy Adams signing “Happy Working Song” – which she sang while starring in Enchanted - without any sort of production behind her, while Kristin Chenoweth (who wasn’t even in Enchanted) gets the full production value for a different song that Amy Adams originally sang.

Finally, the big surprise of the night, which I won’t really get into below, was the three Oscars won by The Bourne Ultimatum – sound editing, sound mixing, and editing. Admittedly, these aren’t seen as big deal awards, but, still, no one expected Bourne to take these.

And, since I mentioned it last time, my favorite dress for the night was the foxy number Renee Zellweger was wearing. I’m not normally a Renee guy, but, well, woof.

Now, let’s look at those winners.

ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Winner: Daniel Day-Lewis
Pick: Daniel Day-Lewis

Like I said, this was Daniel’s from the start. Way to go.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Winner: Javier Bardem
Pick: Javier Bardem

Again, there was little doubt that Javier was taking this home. Really, this would prove to be No Country for Old Men’s night and it’s fitting that this amazing performance, the anchor of the movie, was the first win of the night.

ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE

Winner: Marion Cotillard
Pick: Julie Christie

Marion Cotillard won for La Vie En Rose, a biopic about singer Edith Piaf. Now, I haven’t seen the movie, but it looks like Ms. Cotillard is very good in it. Worth noting: I didn’t see Julie Christie’s movie either.

ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

Winner: Tilda Swinton
Pick: Cate Blanchette

This was my first big miss of the night and I couldn’t have been happier. Cate Blanchetter was the obvious pick in that she played a dude and Oscar loves that sort of thing. Still, Tilda Swinton ruled in Michael Clayton and I’m thrilled to see her win this.

ANIMATED FEATURE FILM

Winner: Ratatouille
Pick: Ratatouille

What? Like Surf’s Up was going to win.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Winner: There Will Be Blood
Pick: No Country for Old Men

Poor Roger Deakins. After years of brilliant work behind the camera, he effectively cancelled himself out by shooting the two best looking movies of the year: No Country for Old Men and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Still, There Will Be Blood is a really good looking movie, too, so I won’t complain.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Winner: No Country for Old Men
Pick: Atonement

Yeah for the Coen brothers. They’ve deserved an Oscar for years and now they have it. I was going against public opinion by guessing Atonement anyway and, frankly, the Coens really deserve this Oscar and I’m glad to see them get it.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Winner: Juno
Pick: Juno

Diablo Cody takes home the Oscar for her first ever screenplay. I’ve noted that I thought she’d become immediately insufferable if she did win, but she gave one of the best, most heartfelt and emotional speeches of the night, so good for her. I look forward to seeing what else she’s got.

DIRECTING

Winner: No Country for Old Men
Pick: No Country for Old Men

No surprise here and another well deserved wins for the Coens. Can they win a third pair?

BEST PICTURE

Winner: No Country for Old Men
Pick: There Will Be Blood

Yes, they can. I didn’t think the academy would go for No Country as best picture, but they did and that’s great. This was the Coen’s year and it’s long overdue.