The 2007 Dudie Awards

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Academy of Eric Houston Arts and Sciences, in association with The National Brotherhood of Erics Local 247, are proud to present the 2007 Dudie Awards.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, with some quick thoughts on rejection for those who didn’t win this year, our host, co-star of the upcoming Run, Fatboy, Run, Dylan Moran!

Thank you, Dylan. And now, a quick word about the two year long history of the Dudies. The Dudies were conceived by me as a cheap Oscar rip-off and they remain that to this day. The winners of the Dudies will each receive one of our lovely Burt Reynolds (from Gator) statuettes. The practice of awarding a Dom DeLouise medallion to the runners up, has been discontinued by popular suggestion from said runners up.

And now, without further adieu, The Dudies.

Best Romance – Stardust

Stardust, based on the illustrated novel by Neil Gaiman and Charlie Vess was one of my favorite movies this year and, at it’s heart, is the irresistible romance between Tristan and a fallen star possessed of human form. Claire Daines playes the star, named Yvaine. Now, I’ve never cared much for Ms Daines, but you’d have to have a heart of stone not to fall in love with her and Yvaine in this picture, particularly after the scene in Ditchwater Sal’s wagon. It’s also worth pointing out that, while the romance is the heart of this picture, there’s plenty of other stuff going on to entertain as well, including a comic competition between seven princes to be the last one still alive.

Best Animated Feature That Wasn’t Ratatouille

This actually wasn’t a bad year for animated movies. Of course, Ratatouille was spectacular, but there were a couple of nice surprises this year in addition to Brad Bird’s charming opus. As is usually the case, these other animated films were very poorly marketed, sold as pure kids fare instead of the all ages pictures they were. Of these, the best were (tie) Meet the Robinsons and Bee Movie. Meet the Robinsons was the movie that had the commercial featuring a talking T-rex, who said, “I have a big head and little arms.” Admittedly, not the comedy high point of that movie, but you might recall it. It also happens to be the story of a young orphan boy brought through time to an exciting future to meet, what is very clearly, his future family (after his future son has lost one of the family’s two time machines by leaving the garage door unlocked). The picture also features a Snydley Whiplash style villain (in both appearance and performance), complete with his own entertaining back-story and sentient bowler derby. There are also a few well-placed Tom Selleck jokes.

Bee Movie, meanwhile, features a bee played by Jerry Seinfeld. As you’ve probably guessed, that equals a bee that talks like Jerry, acts like Jerry, and makes observational jokes. Frankly, a lot of these jokes about the lives of bees are pretty funny, as is the plot, revolving around Jerry the Bee falling for a human woman, suing humanity for stealing honey, and then making up for the fallout of his impulsive actions. It turns out to be a damn funny movie with a halfway decent message.

Best DVD Release – Blade Runner Final Cut

Five cuts of the movie, a feature length documentary, a mountain of supplemental materials, production stills, a plastic “origami” unicorn, a toy police car, some sort of lenticular doo dad, a letter from Ridley Scott, a fancy file folder, a replica of Harrison Ford’s briefcase, one of Sean Young’s eyelashes, a make-up sponge used on Daryll Hannah, a midget that recites “This Little Pig Went to Market,” and a sliver from the true cross. Go buy it today.

Best Documentary – The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

Heroes, villains, geeks, and one perennial loser, who just wants to win the world record at Donkey Kong. The problem is, the video gaming elite won’t let him. These are the ingredients of the best documentary of the year, a movie that is at once funny, ridiculous, heartwarming, heart breaking. It’s the most entertaining documentary to come out in years and it’s a damn shame it wasn’t nominated for Oscar. Still, you should go out and see it. Trust me, you’ll enjoy it.

Worst Part 3 – Shrek the Third

It seems that this was the year of the part three: Pirates of the Carribean 3, Spider-Man 3, Shrek the Third, and I think a couple of others. The problem is – they all sucked. Ah, but which sucked the most? Spider-Man 3, particularly when compared to the exceptional part two, is a major disappointment, but at least there are a few high points. Pirates of the Carribean 3 benefits from having created most of its problems (weird plot, pointless re-use of characters from the first film, stupid fish monsters in its second part. Shrek 3, meanwhile, came off two superior films with a major disappointment. There was nothing funny about this underwritten fugitive from the made for DVD market and in a medium where it takes years and years to create one film, you’d think someone would have noticed at some point how badly this one stunk.

Best TV Show to Movie Translation – The Simpsons Movie

It took a good ten years longer than it should have, but we finally got ourselves a Simpsons movie and, you know what, even though the show’s been going downhill for years, this movie was pretty good. High points included Homer calling anyone who’d pay money to see free TV characters idiots and, of course, Spider-Pig.

The Burt Reynolds Memorial “I Know He Isn’t Dead Yet” Machismo Award

We at the Dudies home office were all prepared to give this sucker to Gerard Butler for his testosterone driven performances as King Leonidas in 300. After seeing Gerard in that movie, we spent weeks running around the home office naked, gnawing on raw beef and screeming, “This is Sparta!” Then, the unthinkable happened: Gerard threw away all his man cred by appearing in the decidedly femmy PS I Love You. Say it ain’t so, man. Say it ain’t so! Well, it was so. That’s why this years winner is not the Spartan king, but Paul Rudd. Paul Rudd is a comedian whom you have probably seen as a background character in a number of movies, including The 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up. He is very funny. Well, this year he also appeared in The Ten, where, as the narrator of a series of comedic skits about the Ten Commandments, he manages to bed both uber hottie Famke Janssen and Jessica Alba. Hoo boy. Now, that’s manly.

Note: I was going to run a clip here of Rudd with Jessica Alba, but the only one I could find on YouTube was much, much too dirty (although hilarious) to post here. I would like to point out, though, that that only cements his worthiness for this award.

Best Western, Best Cinematography, Longest Title, and Favorite Picture (Runner-Up) –The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford is a fascinating, engrossing, well-performed, beautifully shot, and superbly directed picture. The train robbery scene, shot by the always amazing Richard Deakins, is particularly gorgeous. This is the only picture this year that I had absolutely no problems with, and, yet, it still wasn’t my favorite picture.

Best Movie to Take Your Daughter To – Enchanted

Aside from being another in a string of surprisingly good family films and aside from featuring the cute as a button Amy Adams (Amy? Call me), Enchanted also has a great message for the all too princess obsessed youth: maybe it isn’t a good idea to marry a guy you met yesterday.

And now, a musical interlude from Enchanted, featuring the aforementioned cutie, Amy Adams.

Best Action/Comedy – Hot Fuzz

Of course, I have to give some mad props to Hot Fuzz. I am, without any doubt, wholly in love with both Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright, the writers and, respectively, star and director of both Shawn of the Dead and Hot Fuzz. These movies are not only hilarious spoofs, but are, in fact, the perfect distillation of the genre they take on. That is to say, just as Shawn of the Dead is now regarded as one of the best zombie movies ever made, Hot Fuzz is easily one of the best police action movies ever made, thanks in no small part to Wright’s amazing direction and editing and the incredibly smart script. Also, it doesn’t hurt matters that the picture features such brilliant British thespians as Edward Woodward, Jim Broadbent, Bill Nighy, and Timothy Dalton.

Geek-gasm Moment –I am Optimus Prime

I’m sitting there in the theater. The lights go dark and then, over the numerous speakers comes the rumbling, familiar voice of Optimus Prime. Instantly, a part of myself was transported back to my childhood, while the rest of me nursed a major geek hard-on for the next hour.

Best (Independent) Picture No One Saw – Lars and the Real Girl

It’s about a guy who falls in love with his sex doll! How could you not want to see it?

Sci-Fi Picture – Sunshine

Sunshine is a clever sci-fi movie about a mission to reignite the sun. True, much of the movie cribs from other sci-fi greats, but, somehow, it really works. The film was directed by 28 Days Later’s Danny Boyle and stars Cillian “Freaky Eyes” Murphy and features a shockingly non-annoying performance from FF2’s Chris Evans.

Worst Picture – Resurrecting the Champ

Resurrecting the Champ started out as an ad campaign composed of pure Oscar bait, bosting a career making performance from Samuel L. Jackson, a man, who, frankly, already has a pretty solid career. Admittedly Samuel’s performance here is decidedly different from his usual shtick. You see, in Champ, Samuel speaks in a raspy whisper rather than shouting. Still, the film is overlong, underwritten, and entirely too sappy. Worst of all, though, is a craptacular performance by the winner of this year’s worst thing ever award, Josh Hartnett. Josh planned to be here to accept his awards, but he was unfortunately placed in a wet paper bag yesterday and has yet to act his way out.

Hottest Actress (Animated) – Angelina Jolie

Naked Angelina? And in 3-D?! As the small child in my theater said when we first saw that CGI ass, “Wow.”

Best Screenplay – Juno

Well written, clever, heartfelt, and all from an ex-Minneapolis stripper… and you know I like strippers.

Best Actress – Ellen Page

The best thing about Juno, even better than the screenplay, was Ellen Page’s performance. Without such commitment to her quirky character, the screenplay could easily have fallen on its face. Fortunately, Ellen was able to use it to create a fully realized character that rings truer than most.

Best Horror Movie – The Mist

Despite it’s overly tragic ending, The Mist is an incredibly engaging horror film from the director of The Shawshank Redemption and The Green Mile. The story concentrates on a group of average men and women trapped in a grocery store as fog surrounds their small New England town. Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem, except, of course, that there’s something in the mist and, unlike the John Carpenter film, what’s in the mist is significantly larger and deadlier than ghost pirates. Still, what’s most interesting about this picture is that it that the monsters are not the most terrifying part – it’s what the people themselves become when put into the situation. Better news is that the DVD will include a special black and white version of the film that ought to bring it even closer to its Twilight Zone-esque roots.

Best Supporting Actress – Marcia Gay Harden

Marcia is usually a pleasure to watch, but she really shines here, perfectly embodying an overzealous bible thumper who becomes a crazed cult leader after just a taste of power. All this happens in The Mist. When the monsters begin to appear, Marcia preaches that the end times have come. At first, no one believes her, but mounting fear and a couple of lucky, obvious predictions give her frightening power, making her a terror much more potent than the CGI monsters outside.

MVP and Best Supporting Actor – This year’s most valuable player is, without a doubt and surprisingly, Casey Affleck. That’s right, Ben’s younger brother turned in two amazing performances this year. First, he played the cut rake Brooklyn detective who stumbles on a case with a juicy moral center in big brother Ben’s directorial debut, Gone Baby Gone. Then, he gave an Academy Award nominated performance as the titular assassin in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Both were great performances that made their respective movies a pair of my favorites for this year.

Best Actor – Javier Bardem

As immoral bounty hunter Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men, Javier Bardem created a truly memorable screen villain. Perhaps the best scene in No Country comes when Anton tries to check out at a gas station. The elderly attendant casually mentions that he notice the state of the license plate on Anton’s (stolen) car. This man could help authorities track Anton and it seems like a good idea to kill him, but Chigurh decides to leave it up to a coin toss. Check it out:

Best Director – The Coen Brothers

The Coens showed up to play this year. They’ve made numerous classic films over the last twenty plus years and, while not necessarily my favorite, No Country for Old Men is without a doubt one of their best. The directing here is top notch. The film is full of nuanced performances, a fascinating, atypical narrative style, beautiful Western vistas, suspenseful moments, and scores of those interesting, Sturges-like faces the Coens so love. If you like the Coen brothers, and their dramatic side in particular, you owe it to yourself to see this movie.

Best Picture Actually Nominated For Best Picture – No Country For Old Men

What a movie! And, hey, it actually won best picture, too. Yay Coen Brothers. Admittedly, this still isn’t my favorite of their movies. It is, after all, no Big Lebowski, but it’s still a damn fine picture. What it is, for those of you not in the know, is a brilliant character examination of pure evil, in the form of bounty hunter/assassin Anton Chigurh, a man whose motives are ruled by fate and a twisted code of honor, but never by any recognizable morality. Sheriff Tommy Lee Jones and prey Josh Brolin both run afoul of Chigurh, as does another bounty hunter, amiably played by Woody Harrelson in a sort of Bat Lash/ Water Hole No. 7 sort of mold, and an elderly gas station manager. The movie is beautiful, haunting, thought provoking, and utterly unforgettable, if never quite conventional.

Worst Picture Actually Nominated For Best Picture – Attonement

Now, I have to admit that my animosity for this movie is somewhat tempered by my seeing it in the most uncomfortable theatrical setting I’ve found myself in in years. I went to see this movie at the Mann Highlands near St. Catherine’s College in Saint Paul. I’d never been to the theater – it’s a little two screener (converted from one) in the middle of a charming, out of the way business district. Well, I couldn’t have been more disappointed with the theater. The seats were tiny and much too close together and I could neither slouch nor cross my legs for the duration. The screen was also by far the smallest I’ve ever seen. It was so small, in fact, that I nearly asked for my money back before even taking my seat. After all, this screen wasn’t even as big as some televisions. Still, I sat for the movie. I even endured chatter from confused elderly people and even answered some of their questions (which were actually directed at me). The movie itself is slow, pretentious, and uninteresting. Visually, it is admittedly impressive, but it is very, very lacking narratively. Plus, there’s a twist that has all the impact of a mosquito hitting the windshield. Bah phooey, sir. Bah phooey.

Favorite Movie and Best Theatrical Experience of the Year – Grindhouse

Grindhouse is easily the most fun I’ve had in a theater in at least five years. Clocking in at almost three hours, Grindhouse contains two seventies grindhouse style pictures and a handful of fake trailers directed by the likes of Edgar Wright (my new favorite director) and Rob Zombie. One of these trailers, Machete (“You just messed with the wrong Mexican.”) is included below for your viewing pleasure. Meanwhile, Planet Terror, directed by Robert Rodriguez, is the story of a zombie apocalypse, which involves a stripper with a machine gun leg. The other picture, Death Proof, directed by Quentin Tarrantino, features the always awesome Kurt Russell as a homicidal stunt driver. If I have any quibbles with this movie, it’s that Death Proof starts out too slow and that Tarrantino doesn’t quite commit to the whole grindhouse concept as much as he might. Regardless, this is a gory, hilarious, mind-blowing experience. Also, if you want a good time, do what I did and catch it at midnight the night before Easter.

Well, that’s it. It’s been a long Dudies this year, but part of that is to make up for not giving many of these films the proper reviews they deserved over the last years. Anyway, drive home safe. Your local news is next.