The Last Straw

X-Men: The Last Stand
Brett Ratner, 2006

There is a scene toward the end of X-Men: The Last Stand where Magneto and his Brotherhood of Ill-Defined Mutants walks out on the Golden Gate bridge as the master of magnetism shoves each car out of his way. Once he is about halfway across, Magneto raises his hands in that “I’ma gonna use my powers” kind of a way and rips a whole section of the bridge from, not only it’s moorings, but from the rest of the bridge. He then flies his little piece of bridge across the water toward Alcatraz Island, new home of a hospital which has developed a mutant cure. We shift to the perspective of the soldiers stationed on the island and watch it fly toward the island. It is easily one of the goofiest, most awkward things I have ever seen in an action movie. It also doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. After all, it’s not like Magneto is taking the whole bridge or just swinging part of it around, toward the island, he’s taking a section of the bridge. That said, I’m not entirely sure how his magnetic powers allow him to wrench a solid piece of steel in half, without damaging either half, but, apparently, it does. As I was watching this, and thinking about how stupid it looked, I couldn’t help but think of the scene in X2: X-Men United when Magneto escapes from his plastic prison. He ends up flying away from his cell on a flattened disc of metal filings, his arms crossed regally and defiantly against his chest, two small metal balls swirling around him, breaking glass doors and knocking guards unconscious. The escape is elegant and simple. It is classic Magneto.

It strikes me that the differences between these two scenes pretty capably summarizes the differences between X-Men: The Last Stand and X2, the franchise’s previous entry. X2 was a really terrific piece of work, well crafted, well written, well acted, and containing a great deal of emotional character development. The Last Stand, however, is a goofy, slapdash affair. Characters act contrary to earlier development, such as when Mystique is shot by a small needle containing the mutancy cure and cured before Magneto’s eyes. Magneto’s response is rather blasé. He tells the now human looking girl that she is no longer one of them. She no longer matters. There is no rage in him, no righteous anger over the loss of his valued lieutenant, who, I should point out, he just went to some effort to rescue from imprisonment. Likewise, Wolverine cries twice in this movie. Cries. What the hell is that?

Beyond poor character work, the movie also has huge problems with pacing, excessive dialogue scenes that don’t advance anything at all, the introduction of way too damn many characters, including Beast and Angel, neither of whom get the same fleshing out that Nightcrawler did in the franchise’s previous entry, and huge logic inconsistencies, such as Angel’s ability to fly, by virtue of his own wings, from New York to San Francisco in roughly the same time it takes the X-Men’s supersonic jet.

Now, as you’ve probably figured out, the plot of this stink burger revolves around the discovery of a cure for mutants. Magneto is pissed because he thinks the government will use it to forcibly cure all mutants, a nice bit of characterization given Magneto’s imprisonment in Auswitch. Too bad the film just barely remembered to touch on that little bit of character history. Turns out, Magneto is right. The US government rather quickly weaponizes the stuff. Still, in the end, the X-Men fight with the government against Magneto. The fact of the government’s betray wholly ignored by the filmmakers. After all, should Wolverine and crew be equally pissed by this?
Meanwhile, there’s a barely comprehensible plot shoehorned into the affair revolving around Jean Gray returning from the dead as the Phoenix, an all powerful entity who turns out, by the end of the film, to pretty much just be a thug. Now, you may recall Jean Gray’s death in X2. Well handled, right? Good show. Well, here, the resurrection is barely touched on. The characters learn that it happened and largely take it in stride. You’d think Cyclops would be pretty wowed by the whole thing, but we don’t get to find out as gets killed by the returned Jean about ten minutes into the movie. Cyclops is followed in death by (MAJOR SPOILERS AFOOT) Professor Xavier, in a similarly poorly staged death scene, and Jean herself, dead again by movie’s end. My God. Not one of these deaths was any good, nor were they given the time to breathe that they needed so that both the audience and the characters could feel the loss. Remember how awesome, say, Spock’s death was in Star Trek II? Well, this is more Data’s death in Nemesis: rushed and poorly executed. As if all of that isn’t bad enough, the filmmakers (and I say filmmakers because I don’t feel like this was just director Brett Ratner’s fault) further clear the board, refusing future X movies, by curing Mystique, Rogue, and Magneto. That’s right kids. Powerless. Forever. Supposedly. But, given the end of this thing, probably. I’ve already discussed how much Mystique’s curing sucked, so let’s take a look at the other two. Now, Rogue has been a major character in this series. In many ways, she’s been our window into this strange new world. Given her mutant power renders her incapable of touching anyone, you’d think she’d want the cure and you’d be right. However, you’d also think that this would be a major plot arc in the film, all full of angst. You’d be wrong. Rogue is hardly in the film at all. When she does get cured, it’s treated as sort of a well duh, black and white moment. Of course she’d get cured, the film seems to say, why would she want any different? Ugh. As for Magneto, he gets stabbed in the chest by four or five needles at the end of the movie and then mugs for the camera. It was a pretty goofy moment, especially since you’d think the master of magnetism would have a field to repel the hundreds of flying metal needles all set up. Of course, they may have been plastic needles, but, since no one said so, I’m guessing metal. So, yeah. He mugs at the camera and I swear to God, I half expected him to shout out, “Oh, the irony! That I, Magneto, should now be human!”

29 - 25: Blucher!

29. Young Frankenstein
Mel Brooks, 1974

“Put the candle back”

This may be the funniest movie of my youth. I have no idea how many times I watched this one growing up, but it was a lot. Man, I’m a great writer. Now, this is another one of those movies that, if you haven’t seen it, you’re a fool. Plain and simple. It is, without question, one of the funniest movies of all time. True, it is pretty much a spoof of the Universal Horror cycle and the James Whale/Boris Karloff Frankenstein films in specific, but you don’t need to have seen a damn one of them to get this movie. Although, now that I have seen a few of those movies, Young Frankenstein seems all the funnier. If you have the time, I highly recommend comparing the hermit scene in Bride of Frankenstein with the Gene Hackman hermit scene in Young Frankenstein. Genius!

I should point out that there is one Mel Brooks movie that I like better than this, but this one probably has the finest cast of any of Mel’s movies. Gene Wilder is doing some of the best work of his career, if not the best, as Fredrick Frankenstein (or is that Frodrick Fronkensteen?), Marty Feldman is a delight as Igor (it’s pronounced Eye-gor), and Madeline Kahn is her usual gorgeous and hilarious self as Fredrick’s fiancee. There’s only one word to say about her, here or anywhere, “woof.” Rounding out the cast is Kenny Mars, with both a hilarious accent and a monocle placed over an eye patch, the aforementioned Gene Hackman, and a very sexy Teri Garr. Then, of course, there’s Cloris Leachman as Frau Blucher (lightning crashes, horses whiney), who scares me as much today as she did when I met her when I was like five. Blucher!

28. To Kill a Mockingbird
Robert Mulligan, 1962

A few years back, the American Film Institute named Atticus Finch as its number one greatest screen hero of all time. To be brief, I was underwhelmed. But, then, I hadn’t seen this film yet. I know. I know. What the hell had I been doing with my life? Didn’t you read the book in grade school (I didn’t)? Didn’t they make you watch the movie (they didn’t)? Well, finally, I saw the movie and I’ll be damned if it isn’t one of the most moving pictures you’ll ever see in your life. It is the story of one magic summer, of Scout and Jem and Dill Harris and of Boo Radley. At its center is the portrait of Scout’s and Jem’s father, Atticus, perhaps the finest man to ever grace the silver screen. Played with amazing power by Gregory Peck, Atticus is a small town lawyer. He is, at first glance, an ordinary man. He holds no grand title and lives in no especially important place in history. That’s at first glance. As the film unfolds, however, it becomes clear pretty quickly that Atticus is a great man, a man of steel convictions and amazing clarity of mind. He does live in the right place and the right time and he will make a profound difference, if only to the minds of his own children, who he loves so much. There is a part of this movie that gets me misty every time. Atticus has just defended Tom Robinson (Admiral Cartright to you Star Trek fans), a black man clearly falsely accused of attacking a white girl, in court. Things look bad for Tom. The courtroom empties, except for the second floor. This is where all of the black spectators sit. They and Scout and Jem. Finally, Atticus turns to leave. Ever sole on that second floor stands up in respect of the passing of a great man.

27. Blade Runner
Ridley Scott, 1982

“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. Time to die.”

This is the ultimate sci-fi film noir. Harrison Ford is Deckard, a Blade Runner. For the record, a Blade Runner is a detective who hunts down Replicants on Earth. For the record, a Replicant is a sort of highly advanced android, indiscernible from man except by the use of a special psychological exam. Oh, it’s crazy, man. With four replicants, including the awesome Rutger Hauer and the super hot Daryl Hannah, loose on Earth, Harrison Ford is a busy guy. To make things worse, Rutger and his pals have decided to hunt down their creator while Deckard meets yet another replicant, Sean Young, who may be a robot in real life, who is significantly more human than any replicant he’s ever met. The plot is full on noir, with lots of running around to seedy places and asking questions of seedy people. The scenery, meanwhile, is both beautiful and futuristic. It is cramped and sometimes dreary. There are blimps and flying cars and neon signs and skylines to melt the brain. It’s a hell of a thing to watch. The narrative is a little complex, but incredibly worthwhile. Oh, and did I mention that Deckard might be a replicant himself? Like I said, crazy man.

26. 2001: A Space Odyssey
Stanley Kubrick, 1968

It starts with a bunch of half evolved monkeys (and some tapirs, but the less said about those things, the better; I mean, what the hell are they, horses? pigs?) and then leaps to man’s most ambitious space mission - a launch to Jupiter to examine some sort of mysterious obelisk (which also might have been responsible for the evolutionary jump from monkey to man). On board the space ship? An artificial intelligence, HAL. Well, friends, HAL goes bat shit insane and tries to kill the two astronauts on board, Dr. Bowman and Dr. Poole. The astronauts strike back and eventually make contact with the obelisk, resulting in what hours of amphetamine ingestion leads to believe is the next major step in man’s evolution: space babies. Yeah, man! Of course, this is both a shit load of plot and not really all that much. The movie clocks in at about two and half hours, but there isn’t a whole lot of dialog. What there is a lot of is a perfect score, comprised of well chose classical music, and a series of absolutely amazing fucking shots. I mean, my God. The film looks incredible. So many of the shots, have been cribbed in parodies and homages, so their impact is somewhat lessened today by exposure, but they are no less amazing. I could watch it all day. That said, most of you may want to consider liberal use of the fast forward button.

25. Suspiria
Dario Argento, 1977

This is one of the best horror movies of all time and certainly one of the most stylish. The plot, in print, is goofy as hell. A young girl, Suzy, goes to German to go to ballet school. Turns out, the ballet school is run by witches. The witches are bent on vague evil. Well, when I saw this description on the old Tivo (I was watching a documentary about Mario Bava on IFC and this was going to be on next), I couldn’t have turned the channel faster, except that I was absolutely exhausted. So I let the thing start. The credits begin to role and reveal that the music for the film was provided by a band called Goblin. Goblin. Does anything sound more crappy eighties metal than that? Well, the soundtrack kicks in soon enough and, I’ll be damned, creepy as hell. It’s not metal. It’s not what you would expect out of a band called Goblin at all. Lots of bells and strings and just a great, nicely repetitive, genuinely creepy score. Then, the movie itself starts. Suzy is walking out of an airport. From the lighting and everything, it’s immediately apparent that this is going to be one amazing looking movie. It is immediately incredibly stylish, with exceptional use of color, red in particular. When Suzy then finds herself outside the school in the pouring rain, the red of the building is more intense than I thought possible on film. Of course, the style, the compositions, and the color just get better and better throughout the film. The whole thing manages to look like nothing else and provide an actually suspenseful and shocking narrative throughout. Truly amazing stuff. There are several set pieces here which are perfect, including the opening murder in a truly psychedelic hotel/apartment building and the murder of a blind man, standing in an open square. That one is particularly good. Here, we have this blind guy and his dog, stopped dead in a city square. There is something there, but we don’t know what. There are sounds, they sound like wings, but we don’t know where they’re coming from. Argento, the film’s director, gives us glimpses of nearby gargoyles and roof tops. Is something there? We’re never sure. We can’t look for long enough. And the blind guy? He sure as hell doesn’t see anything. Well, the scene goes on for some time, building suspense. We know he’s gonna die. We just don’t know where it’s coming from. When it does come, it’s from the most unexpected source of all. Great stuff. If you’re at all a fan of horror, run out and get this. Like I say, at first glance it may seem like it’s going to be pretty goofy, but it remains one of the two or three most effective horror films I’ve ever seen.

Next week: fast cars, demonic children, papers of transit, Gozarians, and a mine shaft gap!

34-30: The Production Dude Is Back with Detectives, War Brides, Invisible Rabbits, Arabians, and Big Freaking Robots

Well, kids, it’s been a while and I’m sorry for that. Moving to a new town and trying to get work and everything takes up a lot of your free time. That said, I think I’m ready to get this blog moving again, but we’ll have to make a couple of changes. From here on out, the blog will no longer be daily. That dog just won’t hunt. So, I’m going to switch to a weekly format. In the future, columns will run about whatever I feel like. It will still be movie heavy, but I’ll be looking at some other pop culture type stuff, too. I may even comment from time to time on the scene here in the Twin Cities. That’s the future, though. For the next couple of weeks, I’ll be finishing off my list (five at a time), talking about new films I’ve seen, and that sort of thing. So, let’s get started.

Top 100: 34-30

34. Sherlock, Jr.
Buster Keaton, 1924

This is the one and only short film that appears on this list, clocking in at only 44 minutes, and one of the very few silent films. That said, I find myself watching more and more silent film, so who knows what that might do for the list down the road. Anyway, Buster Keaton stars and directs in what may be his best masterpiece. Keaton is a projectionist and would be detective who, in a dream, enters a movie screen and becomes the great detective star of the picture. Keaton uses this structure to build a number of gags revolving around the screen and cuts between scenes, including a hilarious bit where the scenery changes, while Keaton remains in place, making him fall off of chairs that are no longer there or appear suddenly amidst a group of lions. The film also highlights Keaton’s unbelievable mechanical precision, featuring a number of stunts that are simply beyond belief, each requiring absolute precision to work. It’s fantastic; it’s funny; it’s Keaton’s best and a damn fine exploration of the plastics of the image.

33. The Miracle of Morgan’s Creek
Preston Sturges, 1944

Betty Hutton stars as Trudy Kockenlocker (a great comedy name for those of you taking notes). Trudy lives in any town USA during the second World War. One night, she goes out dancing with some American G.I.s who are going “over there.” Well, poor Trudy gets conked on the head and wakes up the next morning married and pregnant. Worse yet, she can’t even remember the name of the man who did it, although it might be Ratskiwatski. Eddie Bracken also stars, playing Norval Jones, a young man who has always loved Trudy and wants to help her out of her fix and marry her. This is an unbelievably sweet movie. It is also hilarious and a bit controversial, given the subject matter and the fact that the film was released in the forties. The film benefits a great deal from its stars, including William Demarest as Trudy’s cooky cop father and Diana Lynn as her sister, and from it’s director, Preston Sturges. As with most Sturges films, the people and situations are surpassingly down to earth and, while certainly attractive, Betty Hutton is no Hollywood beauty queen. Like Mr. Bracken, Ms. Hutton looks like a person you could know, adding a great deal of empathy and sympathy to the situation.

32. Harvey
Henry Koster, 1950

“Years ago my mother used to say to me, she’d say, ‘In this world, Elwood, you must be’ - she always called me Elwood - ‘In this world, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.’ Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. And you may quote me.”

Ah yes, the enduring story of a man and his best friend, an invisible, 6’ 3 1/2” rabbit, Harvey. Well, actually, he’s more of a pooka than a rabbit, but that’s beside the point. As the opening statement may suggest, the film, a warmhearted comedy, mostly revolves around Elwood P. Dowd’s, the delightful Jimmy Stewart, family’s conviction that he is, in fact, bat shit insane (rabbit shit insane?). That family consists of his sister Veta and her daughter Myrtle Mae, which is a name that should only be reserved for Nazi war criminals and, possibly, turtles. Veta is played by Josephine Hull, who won an Oscar for the picture. Josephine Hull is sort of a more excitable Margaret Dumont. She played a similar role (old lady) in the film version of Arsenic and Old Lace. As the film progresses, you absolutely fall in love with Elwood and, by extension, Harvey. Like those characters who understand him best, you come to not care if Elwood is crazy or not and begin to buy into the magic of Harvey himself. It isn’t hard to do. Despite Veta’s protestations, Elwood is really a grade A human being: kind, gentle, and caring. Toward the end of the film, Jimmy Stewart gives one of my favorite monologues in all cinema, a rambling little speech about how he met Harvey and how Harvey is bigger than any problem you may ever have. “We sit in the bars ... have a drink or two ... and play the juke box. Very soon the faces of the other people turn towards me and they smile. They say: ‘We don’t know your name, mister, but you’re all right, all right.’ Harvey and I warm ourselves in these golden moments. We came as strangers - soon we have friends. They come over. They sit with us. They drink with us. They talk to us. They tell us about the great big terrible things they’ve done and the great big wonderful things they’re going to do. Their hopes, their regrets. Their loves, their hates. All very large, because nobody ever brings anything small into a bar. Then I introduce them to Harvey, and he’s bigger and grander than anything they can offer me. When they leave, they leave impressed. The same people seldom come back.”

31. Lawrence of Arabia
David Lean, 1962

Lawrence of Arabia is one of the finest looking films ever made. Every frame, every single composition deserves to be framed and displayed in a museum. There are few parallels to the masterful images David Lean gives us here. Set amidst the sparse and beautiful desert, presented in the widest of screens, is the epic story of T. E. Lawrence, Peter O’Toole, a World War I British officer who comes to help lead an Arab tribal army. It’s an incredible picture and one which must be seen on the big screen before you die. I wish I had more to say, but, in this case, images are definitely more powerful than words. If you’ve never seen it, if you’ve only ever seen it on television or in full frame, run out and get the DVD today. You will be overwhelmed.

30. The Iron Giant
Brad Bird, 1999

This is Old Yeller for the sci-fi set. Forget the story of a boy and his dog, this is the, believe it or not, heart warming story of a boy and his giant freaking robot. Young Hogarth Hughes finds a giant robot which has crashed to Earth. The robot, which is at once naive and incredibly wise, befriends the boy and they have the standard series of amusing misadventures, many of them dealing with avoiding the United States Armed Forces, or at least the semi-crackpot investigator they’ve sent to look into an apparent crash. There isn’t a lot more I can say about this picture, since I’m certain almost no one saw it. Still, this is probably the single best animated feature of the last ten years. For the record, it was made by Brad Bird, who is also responsible for The Incredibles, which should give you some idea of the quality here. Really, though, the best part of this picture is the end. Now, I’m a man in good standing. Have been for about 23 years, but I’m here to tell you, if you don’t cry at the end of this one, you don’t have a soul.

See you next week with 29-25, including monkeys, robots, monsters, witches, and Boo Radley!