The 78th Annual Academy Awards

Well kids, the Oscars hit our screens, and possibly our hearts, this past Sunday and what sort of Production Dude would I be if I didn't take a little time out to tell you all about 'em.  Let's start with the obvious: this year's host, Jon Stewart.  Jon was, well, he was okay.  The overall feeling of his opening monologue was less than that of an average episode of The Daily Show, but it was still all right and his jokes certainly picked up as the night wore on.  The problem, I think, wasn't really Jon himself, but the venue.  I just don't think that Jon Stewart at the Academy Awards is a good idea.  Jon brought his usual wit and his standard, purposefully awkward delivery style with him and they just didn't seem to fit the event.  As Stewart made scathing comments about the Hollywood elite, including attacks on Nicole Kidman, the Baldwins, and Scientology, and followed many of them with his usual uncomfortable, pregnant pauses, the audience just wasn't responding.  They wanted safe, conventional jokes and Stewart wasn't really delivering those.  He wasn't really pulling off a Lenny Bruce or any thing either, but jokes like calling Walk the Line "Ray with white people," just didn't go over.  Don't get me wrong, I thought that one was damn funny, but Joaquin Phoenix looked pretty pissed.  Still, Stewart was enjoyable and the pre-taped bits he prepared were often hilarious, including mock up political attack ads for the best actress contenders.

As for the other pre-taped segments, that is the montages, they were pretty good, but most of them begged the question: why?  I dig a salute to film noir, even if its introduced by a shockingly uncomfortable Lauren Bacall, or a salute to Cinerama, but I'm not sure what precipitated them.  They seemed to be there without reason.  The one thing I loved unequivocally this year was something I don't usually care for: the look of the ceremony.  The camera work and everything was standard for the event, but I absolutely adored the set, a shimmering, glamorous imagining of the old picture palaces, done up in the subtle beauty of subdued whites and blues.  There were also scrolling picture frames and great interstitials featuring the names of the award and disembodied hands visualizing the category against a black background.  The whole thing had the dignified class of a Freed Unit musical and I expected Gene Kelly to waltz across the stage at any moment.  Additionally, I'm not usually a who was wearing who kind of guy, but I just wanna say that Nicole Kidman was absolutely gorgeous.  I think she's pretty super anyway, but she was in this simple, strapless white gown that just made her look so elegant.  Sigh.  Nicole?  I don't know if you read this, but, if you do, marry me.

Well, now we may as well settle in for the long haul and take a look at the individual awards.  I'll pair 'em up for your benefit with my predictions from a month or so ago.

Best Supporting Actor
Predicted: George Clooney
Actual: George Clooney

So, George Clooney wins Oscar's bronze medal.  Good for him.  The supporting actor Oscar is, historically, an apology.  It's the, we're sorry we couldn't give you a different award, like best director for Goodnight and Good Luck, but we have some lovely parting gifts for you.  Here's Carol Merrill to show you what you've won instead …

Visual Effects
Predicted: King Kong
Actual: King Kong

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times.  That is one convincing monkey.

Best Animated Feature
Predicted: Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Actual: Wallace and Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit

That's right, I got three in a row.  That, my friends, is what we call a hat trick.  No surprises here.  With the exception of most of Pixar's output, this was the best animated picture in years.  Funny, charming, the whole ball of wax.  On a side note, I don't know if anyone else saw Tim Burton on the red carpet (he was there for Corpse Bride), it was awkward.  It was kind of like Carrie, in a way.  You know, the ugly geeky person invited to the gathering of cool people.  Where do you get off Burton?  Thinkin' your cool.  He's just asking for pig's blood.

Live Action Short
Predicted: ???????
Actual: Six Shooter

It seems like I could make a Dick Cheney joke here.  I won't, though.

Best Animated Short
Predicted: ??????
Actual: The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Convesation

Whatever happened to the days when stuff you'd seen, like "What's Opera, Doc?" won this award.  The Moon and the Son?  Look, unless one of your characters gets hit by a mallet or, say, forty cream pies, I don't wanna hear it.  Still, I would like to repeat my plea to theater chains nation wide.  Hey, jackass, why don't you show some of these shorts before the movie?  If I see one more Bod Man commercial on the big screen … well, I might go out and buy some Bod Man and no one wants that.

Costume Design
Predicted: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Actual: Memoirs of a Geisha

So, somebody won an Oscar for dressing up the Asian chick from Tomorrow Never Dies like a hooker.  A classy hooker maybe, but a hooker none the less.  Honestly, what's next?  Pretty Woman II: Pretty Woman Goes to Japan (possibly with the Bad News Bears)?  Actually, that would be pretty awesome.

Makeup
Predicted: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Actual: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

I once saw a thing on Dateline where they rescued these poor uber-Mormon girls from the semi-captivity of their parents.  One of the first things they did was take them to a movie.  The movie they chose?  Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore.  Come on.  That's just gonna scare them back home.  Drew Barrymore?  Yeesh.  She looks like the Man in the Moon from A Trip to the Moon.  Now, if it were me, you'd have to take them to something like this.  Not only are they dazzled by convincing looking goat dudes (he said trying to tie the rant into the best makeup thing), but you whip a little Christianity on 'em too.  Everybody wins.

Supporting Actress
Predicted: Rachel Weisz
Actual: Rachel Weisz

I haven't seen The Constant Gardener, which is the film she won for, but I hear she's good.  Best performance of her career.  Mind you, the rest of her career includes The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, so that isn't saying a lot.

Documentary Short
Predicted: ????????
Actual: A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin

How on God's green earth, did Layer 18,653 not win?  Ball of paint, dude.

Documentary Short
Predicted: Street Fighter
Actual: March of the Penguins

You know, this category used to be a total crap shoot, but, between this award and Bowling for Columbine a couple of years back, the category is growing more and more populist. Still, my guess was based on Street Fighter being a doc about Capcom's classic fighting game. It wasn't. Had it been, it would have won. Unless the penguins were playing as E. Honda. They're awesome as E. Honda.

Art Direction
Predicted: Memoirs of a Geisha
Actual: Memoirs of a Geisha

Hey, I'm doing pretty good with these predictions.  This one seemed to be begging for the art direction Oscar though.  I haven't seen this film, but I was hoping it would win best score to.  The way I see it, it either has one of those really cheesy Toho Film scores, with lots of drums and things announcing the coming of Mothra, or just an endless loop of Live at Budokan.

Original Score
Predicted: Munich
Actual: Brokeback Mountain

I don't really have anything to say here.  Although, I do wonder, in film composing circles, when a guy comes up with something really good, how often do you suppose some jackass says, "He shoots; he scores!"

Sound Mixing
Predicted: Walk the Line
Actual: King Kong

Sound mixing, for the uninitiated, involves placing sound, and lime, in a coconut and shaking it all up.

Original Song
Predicted: "The Glory of Love" from Karate Kid II
Actual: "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp" from Hustle and Flow

Damn.  I thought for sure this was Peter Cetera's year.  Still, Bill Conti, who wrote "You're the Best Around," the single from Karate Kid, was the conductor for the house orchestra at the Oscars.  So, in a weird way, I was sort of close.  Meanwhile, the win for "It's Hard out Here for a Pimp" was the only real surprise of the night.  Rap music had better look out; it's dangerously close to becoming respectable.  On a side note, when this won, did we really have to cut to shots of every black actor in the audience?

Sound Editing
Predicted: King Kong
Actual: King Kong

That's one convincing sounding monkey.

Foreign Film
Predicted: Tsotsi
Actual: Tsotsi

I haven't seen it, but I hear it's pretty good.  So, yay, I guess.

Film Editing
Predicted: Crash
Actual: Crash

Um … let's see there has to be a joke here somewhere.  Oh boy.  Oh!  You suppose they used crash editing?!  That was pretty lame. No one even knows what that is.

Actor
Predicted: Philip Seymour Hoffman
Actual: Philip Seymour Hoffman

What can I say?  He was freaking great!  If Capote were alive today, he'd, well, he'd probably say something kind of clever and really smarmy right now.

Cinematography
Predicted: Brokeback Mountain
Actual: Memoirs of a Geisha

Again, I haven't seen Geisha, but the cinematography in Brokeback was spectacular.  From what I've seen of Geisha, that movie just looks so pedestrian.  Feh.

Actress
Predicted: Reese Witherspoon
Actual: Reese Witherspoon

Come on.  We all knew she'd win, but she's such a hack.  Really.  She's so sickeningly sweet and, well, white.  Honestly, she's the whitest actress around.  When she won and started going on about her dream of being a country singer, well, I became instantly diabetic.  Kind of like my grandma.  Still, I can't wait till she's down on her luck and sh has to team with the candy people to make Reese's Witherspoons.

Adapted Screenplay
Predicted: Capote
Actual: Brokeback Mountain

To really judge this accurately, I would have had to read the books and, while I do read, what I'm reading right now is Joe Bob Goes Back to the Drive In.  That said, it's pretty unlikely I'm going to get off my ass and read either of these, especially when there's a whole pile of Superman comics waiting at home.

Original Screenplay
Predicted: Crash
Actual: Crash

Looks like someone took a crash course in screenwriting!

Directing
Predicted: Ang Lee
Actual: Ang Lee

Good for him.  Ang's a really good director and this is probably his finest work.  It's more subtle than Crouching Tiger and much more subtle than Hulk and it has a butt load (no pun intended, really) of emotional resonance.  Hell of a job, Ang.

Picture
Predicted: Brokeback Mountain
Actual: Crash

Huh.  Crash won.  Can't say I'm really surprised.  As much as people are talking about it being the big surprise of Oscar night, it wasn't.  As Oscar neared, Crash got more and more word of mouth.  Crash's problem was always that it had been released too early for the Academy to remember and, by the end, it was clear this had been remedied.  I still think Brokeback is the better movie, but Crash was excellent too.  At the end of the day, I just don't care about either so strongly to care either way.  So long as one won, I'm fine with it.

By the way, I got 13 out of 23 right and I didn't even guess, or guess seriously, on several. Pretty damn good.