Cars Crashes

From the Automotive Department

Cars
John Lasseter and Joe Ranft, 2006

Cars sucked. It really, really sucked and it became the first film since 2000’s Center Stage that I walked out on. Mind you, Cars isn’t that aggressively bad. I was just bored. Worse, the movie so clearly telegraphs it’s ending, practically from the first moments, that there is no reason for you to stay. You know damn well what will happen and, unfortunately, the characters aren’t interesting enough to make you care how they get there. Worse, the jokes are so tired and cliched that there is nary a laugh in the whole thing.

Of course, this is the movie about the anthropomorphic cars, which, sadly, do not turn into robots, led by Lightning McQueen (voiced by Owen Wilson), a cocky race car. Normally, I kind of like Owen Wilson (see The Royal Tenenbaums), but, here, his character is just insufferably cocky. The rest of the cast is largely okay, though, featuring luminaries like Paul Newman, Tony Shalhoub, Bonnie Hunt, and George Carlin, alongside the intolerable Larry the Cable Guy. Anyway, McQueen’s cockiness makes him tie with two other cars in the big race and, on the way to the tie breaker, he gets lost in a hole in the wall town, which is apparently the storage garage for tired animation clichés. As you’d expect McQueen gets roped into staying in town until he learns his lesson from the simple townsfolk. Yawn.

Strangely, the best part of the movie was the unexpected cameo by the Car Talk guys. Yes, the jovial NPR hosts and real life brothers costar as McQueen’s sponsors, cracking the same sort of shambling jokes and oversized gafaws they do over the air every weekend and even reminding us, “Don’t drive like my brother!” It’s odd, unexpected, and for an unadvertised cameo, a little underwhelming, but, trust me, this is the best this film’s got, making it Pixar’s first real loser of a movie.

Rating: Stalled

From the Pier One Department

The Wicker Man
Robin Hardy, 1973

This is one of those cult horror films that, if you’re me, you’ve heard a lot about, but you’ve never seen. Well, now I’ve seen it and it’s pretty damn good, if overly British. Edward Woodward (Breaker Morant) stars as Sgt. Howie, a British police detective who sea planes it out to Summerisle, a private island, complete with weird little village (think Twin Peaks on steroids... and British). Howie has flown out here in search of a girl who has gone missing. Of course, when he gets there, the villagers have no intention of copping to even the girl’s existence. Jerks. Well, Howie hangs around town, talking to the missing girl’s mother and sister, who have also never heard of her, and getting way to upset about a raunchy bar song. You see, a major point of the film is that our pal Howie is a christian and (gasp) a virgin and he doesn’t cotton to the hedonistic goings on around him, which include a nocturnal, outdoors orgy and Britt Ekland doing her best crazy lady naked dance in the next room, while tapping on the walls and trying to get Howie to come over for what Spider-man once taught me was called “bad touching.” Anyway, reluctantly moving away from naked Britt Ekland, Howie hangs around for a few days and manages to figure out that the girl is dead and burried. He confronts Lord Summerisle about this, a very cooky Christopher Lee in what is probably one of his best non-Dracula performances, and quickly finds out that the whole island is working on a weird pagan religious cult sort of thing that’s going to come to a head on May Day. After this, the plot takes a couple of welcome and unexpected twists that I won’t spoil here.

So, yeah, despite Christopher Lee being all cooky (he’s even in drag at one point) and naked Britt Ekland (did I mention she’s naked?) the plot is a bit of a horror stock plot. What knocks this sucker up to eleven, though, is the really weird mood this movie goes well out of it’s way to create. The thing is shot really artfully and with a nice leisurely pace. The colors are appropriately muted, giving the island a slight otherworldly quality. This is only further emphasized by the unusual score, consisting of some very weird, and very seventies folk stylings. It’s doing some very different things, but in this way, the film is a bit like Picnic at Hanging Rock. At any rate, it’s weird, it’s cooky, it’s a little thought provoking, and well worth your time, although I’m going to have to suggest avoiding the upcoming Nicolas Cage remake.

Rating: Seriously, did I mention that Britt Ekland dances around naked?

From the Let’s Get All Excited Department


Well, sports fans, it looks like Snakes on a Plane is not longer my most anticipated movie. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still going to be awesome, but something has supplanted it, something that, when it hits, is going to rock your socks off. That’s right, I’m talking Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny. I couldn’t be more excited about JB and KG hitting the big screen together. The question one has to ask when looking at a movie featuring the D is, of course, not “Will it be fucking sweet?” but “How fucking sweet will it be?” The answer, by all indications, is pretty fucking sweet. I heard some of the songs the other day, and they, of course, rock. Keep in mind, too, that this is pretty much going to be a rock opera of the sort not seen on the American screen in far too long and it features, best of all, in his first rock opera in, like, thirty years, the great Meatloaf as JB’s dad. Do JB and the Loaf have a duet? Yes they do and I think I can guarantee that it will be Loaf’s best duet since Paradise on the Dashboard Lights. Ain’t no doubt about it. So, obviously, I’m pretty psyched. Can’t wait for November.

From the My Way or the Highway Department

Road House
Rowdy Herrington, 1989

Believe it or not, I’ve lived some twenty-three years on this earth and had never seen Road House. I know what you’re thinking, how lucky am I? Well, pretty lucky. Unfortunately, that all came to an end last night. First off, let me say that Road House is a hopelessly stupid movie about the world’s second most famous bouncer, Patrick Swayze in the role of Dalton. Dalton, aside from being bouncer numero dos, also holds a degree in philosophy. Of course, the whole idea of a world’s most famous bouncer is pretty stupid, let alone second most famous, but that doesn’t stop Mr. Dirty Dancing. Anyway, Dalton gets hired by the guy from Emergency! to clean up a rat hole bar, which inexplicably features as it’s only ever musical act a blind guitarist, who isn’t even black. In fact, now that I think about it, despite this film being hopelessly southern, there’s all of one black guy on screen for all of four seconds. Weird. Anyway, Dalton roles into town and, shock of shocks, ruffles feathers. Soon enough, the local rich dude takes advantage of the town’s apparent complete lack of police protection to blow up Dalton’s girl friend’s uncle’s auto parts store and then, no kidding, has a monster truck drive through Dalton’s pal’s used car dealership... in broad daylight. Where are the police? Luckily, Dalton’s pal and world’s most famous bouncer Sam Eliot (settle down, Grandma) shows up and... well doesn’t accomplish much. In fact, he gets killed. So, Dalton has to throw down with the guy what killed his mentor in a fight scene that includes the bad guy actually saying, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison.” What? Of course, everything turns out okay for Dalton and his (still living) friends and the world is once again safe for bar fights.

So, yeah, it’s pretty much a total stink burger of a movie without anything but it’s own idiocy going for it. Normally, I’d never have put this in. Patrick Swayze is, after all, reason enough to avoid any movie. So, why? Well, former Mystery Science Theater 3000 head writer and star Michael J. Nelson has embarked on a new enterprise: Rifftrax (www.rifftrax.com). You see, Mike’s done something that a lot of people have been talking about, but which no one has done: he’s started recording audio commentary tracks for whatever movie he damn well pleases and posting them on-line. Of course, this means that you have to rent the movie (or if it’s Road House, wait for it’s twice daily Starz showing) and synch up the track on your computer or CD player. No big, though. Anyway, I was hoping for a more straightforward sort of track from Mike about the movie, much like he seems to do when he speaks at colleges. What he does instead is pretty much the MST shtick of making comments at and about the movie, only all by himself. I have to admit to being a little leery about this, but Mike more than pulls it off. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that this Road House commentary stands up against MST’s best years. Very funny stuff and highly recommended. As for watching Road House on it’s own, you probably shouldn’t. If you have to, though, please avoid heavy machinery for an hour or so afterwards.

From the Where Does He Get Those Marvelous Toys Department

Well, it’s official. Warner Brothers has announced the man playing the Joker in The Dark Knight, the upcoming sequel to Batman Begins. That man is Heath Ledger. What? Yes, kids, it’s officially true, Brokeback Mountain himself is going to be the Joker. I can’t say I see him in the role, but Batman Begins was so good, I’m going to trust in the filmmakers on this one. Don’t let me down boys.

Here Comes Randal. He's a Berserker.

From the Recently Seen Department

Clerks II
Kevin Smith, 2006

I didn’t expect to like this movie. In fact, I pretty much went into the theater prepared to hate it. Still, I really like Clerks and I love the short lived Clerks animated series, plus Randal Graves is one of my all time favorite screen characters, so my curiosity got the better of me. So, is Randal back? Yes, my friends, he is. Both he and Dante return to the film world in full force, here. Just as with Clerks, there are any number of brilliant comedic diatribes here, most of which I found myself laughing embarrassingly hard at. Further, this time out, Smith has also tempered his often scatological humor with several moments of authentic emotional weight. This is less a film about slackers than a film about what happens when slackers grow up. They’re still funny, they’re still lazy, and they have the same crazy conversations, but they also find themselves having to stand up and face the world around them. Mind you, this plan could easily backfire and become far to maudlin and disengenuine, but Smith (who’s skills have always been in his writing) provides the perfect mix of comedy and emotion here, easily sidestepping almost every potential problem you’d expect a Clerks sequel to have.

Rating: Berserker


A Scanner Darkly
Richard Linklater, 2006

Now, this, I expected to like. From the trailers, this looked like it would be a really interesting movie. Not only did it promise some excellent, semi-futuristic, sci-fi noir, it showed a truly interesting visual style, achieved, as with Linklater’s Waking Life, by means of rotoscope animation (filming live actors moving around and acting and then drawing over them). Unfortunately, the film didn’t deliver at all. Instead of offering a clear, interesting vision, all Scanner has is a confusing, convoluted plot, further hampered by an unusually poor performance from Keanu Reeves, which is really saying something. Sure, there are a couple of fun supporting performances, but I was bored as hell after the novelty of the animation wore off. I really should have just stayed home and watched Scanners. Then, at least, I’d have seen some heads ‘sploding.

Rating: Sleepy

From the I Can’t Wait Department

Bride of Re-Animator
Brian Yuzna, 1990

That’s right, baby, they made a sequel to Re-Animator. The original cast returns, including the decapitated head, in an attempt to make a woman from scratch. As soon as I can find a copy, I’m there. After that, I’m sure I’ll be chomping at the bit for the third Herbert West feature, Beyond Re-Animator, as old Herbie takes his act to a prison. Awesome.

A Man of Steel, a Pirate, and a Crack Whore

Over in the Recently Seen Department

Superman Returns
Bryan Singer, 2006

The title says it all: Superman returns. After an absense of almost twenty years (twenty-six if we only count the good movies), the man of steel has returned to the silver screen and in grand form. Everything works here, from direction to cinematography to acting to plot to dialog to the resurrection of Marlon Brando and of John William’s perfect score. This time out, Brandon Routh takes over as the last son of Krypton from the very dead Christopher Reeve, whom the film is touchingly dedicated to. Routh is exceptional. He perfectly channel’s Reeve’s Superman (after all, this is an “unofficial” sequel to Superman II), while still making the part his own. The perforrmance is at once soulful and powerful and certainly better than any of us expected. Kevin Spacey, meanwhile, takes over for the not quite dead Gene Hackman as Lex Luthor. Spacey takes the wonderful haminess of Hackman’s Luthor and ratches it up by adding some real menace for a fantastic villain. The cast is rounded out by Kate Bosworth, capably and much more prettily taking over as Lois Lane from the also not dead Margot Kidder, James “Cyclops” Marsden continuing his strangle hold on wussy boyfriend roles as Richard White, Eve “Incredibly hot in North by Northwest” Marie Saint is Martha Kent, and Frank “Skeletor” Langella as Perry White. I’d also like to give a shout out to Parker Posey as Kitty Kowalski, comic relief sidekick to Lex Luthor and replacement for Miss Tesmacher. Posey is fun, funny, and just cute as a button (call me!) here.

Wonderfully, the whole film just works. I don’t like it quite as much as Superman: The Movie. It’s missing the same epic scope and series of inspiring moments and rescues (although the airplane rescue does kick total ass), but, given the more personal nature of this outing, that’s okay. In any case, it’s better than Superman II, which, while cool (Zod rocks), never quite comes together for me. It’s also lightyears better than Suprman IV: The Quest for Peace or Superman III: The Quest for Richard Pryor.

Rating: Super

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest
Gore Verbinski, 2006

Okay, so the first Pirates comes out and I go, thinking, well, this is gonna suck and then, surprisingly, not so much. In fact, pretty good. So, then, this one comes out and I think, yeah, I liked the first one, but, come on, this looks kind of lame and then, well, it is. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some cool stuff here, including a rightly hyped swordfight in the third act and Johnny Depp continuing to present a kooky, corrupt anti-hero with Captain Jack Sparrow, but the rest of the movie just isn’t there. The plot is strained, especially over two and a half hours (and this is the guy who doesn’t think Lawrence of Arabia is long enough, and what plot is there never quite makes enough sense. Worse are the supporting characters. Orlando Bloom is back as would be swashbuckler Will Turner with Keira Knightly and Ever So Rightly returning as Elizabeth Swan. Neither one of them are characters, but, instead, two dimensional, wide eyed plot devices, complimented by the breeziest of performances. Still, the real stinker is the film’s choice of villian. This time, instead of nutty, undead Geoffery Rush, we get short Monkee Davy Jones. Wait, sorry, different Davy Jones. This one’s a crusty squid-dude. Now, when I saw pictures of this squid dude, what with is one starfish leg and giant crab hand, I said to myself LAME and, guess what, LAME. He and his whole crew are just so LAME. The stuff that centers around Depp is all pretty servicable, but Davy Jones just looks stupid, and so does his equally hodgepodge crew. The simple skeletons worked great last time, but these guys are just over complicated, unconvincing CGI effects. Boo. Still, it’s worth seeing, I suppose, but don’t bust your ass to get over there. Of course, there will be a third installment, as we all probably know by now and, actually, given the way this one ends, I’m much more excited about that movie.

Rating: uh

Strangers with Candy
Paul Dinello, 2005

I featured this one last time in my can’t wait section. Well, at last, after almost two whole weeks of waiting, I saw the movie. It was hilarious. There were several times I was doubled over, thanks the absolute absurdity of the whole affair. The cast is perfect and the jokes spot on. Amy Sedaris plays Jerri Blank, a grotesque 46 year-old ex-crack whore who returns to high school as a freshman. Jerri is unapologetically morally corupt throughout the whole film and is a frequent joy to watch as she bumbles from one social situation to the next. Stephen Colbert, of the Colbert Report, and Paul Dinello co-star as two of her teachers, who have just broken up their gay affair. As Colbert says, “I wasn’t pushing you away from me. I was pulling me closer to myself.” Greg Holliman is also hilarious as the very black Principal Onyx Blackman, who, after being rebuffed in offering a school board member a drink in his office during school hours, asks her if she would like to handle his fire arm. The whole movie is weird and surreal and definitely worth your time.

Rating: Damn funny

Over in the Where Have You Been All My Life Department

Re-Animator
Stuart Gordon, 1985

“Get a job in a side show!”

Well, slap my ass and call me Charly. Where the hell has this thing been all my life. Oh, sure, I’d heard of it. Oh, sure, people would say, hey, man, you see Re-Animator? But nooooo, I had to drag my ass to see it. Well, kids, now I have and I can safely say this movie is awesome. The plot, such as it is, revolves around Herbet West, a med student who has discovered a neon green reagent for reanimating dead tissue, and his med student pal Dan Cain. After re-animating either a cat or a cat puppet, reports and effects vary, Herbert and Dan shlep over to the morgue and re-animate the beefiest corpse they can find. Well, said corpse vomits up some blood, because you always vomit up blood when re-animated and proceeds on a rampage around the room, greco-roman wrestling anyone who gets in his way, including the dean. After biting off a few choice fingers, the beefcake kills the dean and Herbert kills the beefcake with... a surgical drill through the chest! Awesome! Well, these two kooky kids decide to re-animate the dean since, after all, Dan’s boinking his daughter Megan, but that only makes the dean undead and crazy. He gets thrown into a padded cell, conveniently adjacent to his best doctor friend’s (who has a crush on Megan, too) office. Best doctor friend, Dr. Hill, figures out the whole reagent thing (I don’t know how) and tries to blackmail Herbert while Dan consoles Megan. Well, of course, Herbert has to lop Doc Hill’s noodle off with a shovel. Then, of course, he has to re-animate the head and body seperately, leading to the body knocking Herbert out and carrying the head all over town. Eventually Doc Hill’s body kidnaps Megan and brings her to Doc Hill’s head, which watches as the body feels her up. Then, of course, the head wants some action and the decapitated body holds the head up to Megan’s face so the head can lick her and whisper creepy things at her! This movie is awesome! Herbert and Dan eventually show up to save the day (but not before the scene gets even weirder) and end up having to fight a legion of re-animated corpses. Brilliant. I can’t believe I’d never seen this. Now, of course, I’m going to have to go out and get the sequels The Bride of Re-Animator and Beyond Re-Animator. Oh, and for the record, Jeffrey Combs stars as Herbert West. I dig Jeffrey Combs.

Rating: Re-Animated Head! ‘Nuff said!

Next week I’m off to attend a wedding, but I’ll be back the week after with more stuff.